Archives for category: inspiration

I finished my very early morning walk in the darkness. I arrived at the office still very early. Still dark. There’s a busy day ahead, and plenty of uncertainty about the future to exist within, and to get beyond. I breathe, exhale, and relax. Sip my coffee. Office cold-brew, and it’s fine. Not great. Not bad. Completely unremarkable in every way. Another big, deep, breathe, and I exhale slowly, completely, and feel myself relax (again) as I do. My head is stuffy (which is what woke me early this morning). I’m feeling sort of cross for no obvious reason.

Do you find yourself wondering, ever, why it is I so often focus on just these random-seeming here-and-now details and observations? I mean, what’s the point, really? It’s all about those new beginnings; it is far more likely to get me somewhere if I begin where I am. That’s it. No mystery, it’s just a more effective choice to begin where I am, rather than begin somewhere else (whether that somewhere is in my thoughts or on the road to a destination). It’s rather difficult to go from Baltimore to L.A. if I’m standing in the wilderness of Montana. I can anchor myself in the present moment by making observations about my experience, here, now. It’s not a fancy practice, as practices go, but grounding myself in this moment, right here, through observation and awareness, is a very useful tool for establishing a feeling of perspective, and giving me a starting point on the next moment that is definitely connected to the moment I’m in. I’m struggling with my anxiety a bit this morning.

My stuffy head is vexing me. I woke around 03:30, and clearly wasn’t going to be able to sleep; I couldn’t breathe. I got up. Now I feel my anxiety surge – and each time it does, it is eased by blowing my nose and restoring my breathing. It’s almost comical. I notice the anxiety before I notice I can’t breathe, again. It is easy to conflate the anxiety with other potential causes – the world of 2025 contains plenty of anxiety provoking moments, events, and circumstances. I could get all spun up over this or that bit of doubt, fear, or insecurity and lose myself in my anxiety, but it’s really all about the breathing, right now (at least, that’s the situation this morning). Other mornings it is more about pain management. It’s frankly very rare that my anxiety is driven by some real world experience that is not about something to do with this bodily very human existence. lol It’s nearly always my body screaming at me through my emotions to do something about some uncomfortable physical experience.

I chuckle and think happy thoughts of my Traveling Partner sleeping at home. He is peculiarly sensitive to my breathing; if I am struggling, he’s aware and uncomfortable. I’m glad I went ahead and started my day, and I hope he can get the rest he needs. Maybe I didn’t wake him as I left? I sip my coffee and smile. Without any added context, thoughts of love create such beautiful points of bright light in a human experience. This love we share feels like a “firm foundation” for a good life.

There is real uncertainty, and real cause for anxiety now and then, those are ordinary commonplace parts of the human experience. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I let the thoughts come and go, and consider the moment and the day. “The winds of change are blowing,” said my Traveling Partner yesterday, while we talked about work, the future, and a certain “funny vibe” in the office. Change is. Am I ready? (Is anyone, ever, really “ready” for unexpected change, or change they don’t look forward to, or did not choose?) I don’t know how much longer this good thing may last… but… we never do, do we? Whatever it is, however good or bad, it is as temporary a thing as everything else. There is damned little permanence in a human lifetime, and trying to cling to what is, in defiance of what is ahead, isn’t an effective strategy.

I smile to myself, and in my thoughts I unfold the vastness of the menu in life’s Strange Diner. Any time now, it may be time to begin again… I wonder where this path leads?

This is about Ozempic and whether/why it amounts to “cheating” to achieve a weightloss result, and “aesthetic culture”, and moral failure, and self-control, and all manner of other related things that just happen to be all tangled up together in my own experience of life as an American woman carrying “a few extra pounds” (more than a few, unfortunately), viewed through the lens of my own experience(s). I’m providing this wee summary to more easily allow you to simply move on if the topic lacks interest for you, personally. 😉

…You could just watch South Park “The End of Obesity”…

When Ozempic became “a thing” in the news (early in 2022), it was mostly due to celebrity endorsements for weightloss and shortages having developed because it had become commonplace for people who are not diabetic to be prescribed a GLP-1 (which is what Ozempic is) for the sole purpose of losing weight. I’m not criticizing – whether you’re grossly obese, or just a few pounds over your “ideal weight”, we live in a world that puts a lot of emotional effort into blaming and shaming “fat” people, and puts a ton of emphasis on “thin is beautiful”. Thin sells products. So do feelings of guilt, shame, and envy. The conversation in the media immediately began swirling around who should have these GLP-1 drugs available to them, and why, and the 100% ridiculous (and unaffordable) cost of them to individuals (and insurers). Celebrities whose transformative weightloss was a topic of discussion were picked to pieces over did they use a GLP-1 or lose weight “the right way”? (Who decides that? It probably shouldn’t be a matter of public opinion.) The articles about terrible side effects followed. What I found interesting at the time was that the first GLP-1 approved for treating type 2 diabetes was approved in 2005. No fanfare. No media hype. No alarming back-and-forth about side effects. All that developed much later – after it was clear that GLP-1s could “cause weightloss” as a side effect, and they became popularly prescribed off label by GPs to clients who could afford them in spite of the offensively high retail price (long before insurers would cover them for weightloss).

…2005… They were in use for decades without any remarkable controversy. Safely. Huh.

When I started thinking about them and whether I might benefit from them, myself, I was only aware of them because of the media hype to do with weightloss, and that was where my own interest was centered. In spite of my type 2 diabetes, a GLP-1 hadn’t really been discussed. To be fair, I was not “open to” the diabetes diagnosis, in spite of serious difficulty managing my blood sugar (it seemed to clear up any time I corrected my diet by more or less eliminating sugars, and got my weight down a bit).

At one point, faced with quality of life and health threatening weight, and my difficulty managing it, (and my Mother’s similar challenges) I got serious with myself and managed to shed almost 150 lbs over about 18 mos. Over time, in part due to stress, in part due to health and mobility challenges of various sorts, I gained some of that back (and I’m not at my ideal weight). I lost a lot of it, again, then gained it back, again. It’s been a challenge and it’s a serious health concern. But – I did lose all that weight, without a GLP-1, or medical intervention of any sort. It is possible for many people (and for some people it just isn’t). I say this because my thinking on weight, weight management, and various medical options regarding weight management are built on my own experience, and are nuanced.

My thinking evolved over time, and I tried a lot of things to manage my weight when it became a problem. I was self-critical and hard on myself after I gained weight in my 30s. I wasn’t overweight “all my life”. I was healthy, fit, and a “curvy muscular” woman when I was in the Army. I was faced with a culture of “fat phobia” that tended to promote an unhealthy leanness that I could never catch up to with my muscles and curves. Emotionally, that was hard on me. I struggled to see my own youthful beauty. Society’s messaging was harsh and unyielding. Be thin. Non-negotiably, thin was “pretty”. Thin was “sexy”. I even achieved thin for awhile – it wasn’t healthy for me to be a size 0 at 5 foot 6 inches tall.

I’m bouncing around a bit here, sorry. The tl;dr is that I was “coached” over a lifetime that my weight was my own to manage, that the acceptable beauty standard was “thin” – preferably like a pre-teen girl – and that failing to achieve that standard was most likely a moral failure or a lack of effort on my part.

We each walk our own hard mile. I know I can (possibly) lose the extra weight I’m carrying, with a serious reduction in calories and an equally serious increase in exercise. That’s the basic deal; eat less and exercise, right? I’m also quite human. Mobility issues and disabilities often make exercise difficult or complicated (no jumping rope on this f*ed up ankle, I’m just saying – I’ve got limitations). Other medications prescribed for chronic medical issues can change the efficiency of my metabolism (or rob me of my will and energy). Food and great dining are truly among life’s most profound sensuous pleasures, and it can be difficult to say no to some treat. That’s just real. “Emotional eating”? Another challenge. The cost of healthy calories? Yet another consideration. Losing unhealthy weight is not universally easy.

I decided against Ozempic for losing weight, figuring I’ve lost weight before, I’ll just keep at it, you know? The side effects sounded pretty terrible, too. And the expense?! Nope. Not worth it.

My blood sugar was still an issue. I was also struggling with other health concerns, including chronic fatigue, irregular (high) blood pressure, fairly ordinary middle-age stuff like that. My doctor was insistant this time; my diabetes needed to be managed. We tried this, we tried that, I eventually ended up on metformin (common), which immediately reduced my quality of life with near-daily diarrhea that had the potential to force me to stop going out on the trail for long walks. It was problematic. That’s how I ended up giving a GLP-1 a try – for my diabetes. (That I refused to acknowledge for far too long, and now deal with the consequences of that stupidity.)

Within 60 days, my blood sugar stabilized – normal. Then my blood pressure. I felt somehow younger and more energetic, too. Weird. Yes, I also lost the near-constant focus on food, eating, meals, sweets – in fact, meal planning to cook meals for my family became almost impossible for awhile. lol I just wasn’t thinking about that. Huh. Wild. I did lose some weight. Quite a bit, actually. Then – relatively recently – on a stable dose that serves me well with few side effects (and those I do experience are manageable) – my weightloss stalled completely. I still get all the other benefits, but a new reality unfolded; for those of us who take a GLP-1 for diabetes, there may not be quite so much aggressive weightloss coming quite so easily. There are still verbs involved. I still need to do an appropriate amount of healthy exercise (human primates need exercise, that’s just part of what we are as creatures). I still have to manage my calories. Frustrated with my lack of weightloss, and watching my Traveling Partner manage his post-injury weight gain (and closing in on his goal weight quite efficiently) I finally put the pieces together…

…I can be a little slow sometimes…

It’s the calories. I’m still eating calories that support the weight I am right now. I started on the GLP-1, reduced my caloric intake as a byproduct of starting on that medication and losing interest in grazing, snacking, sweets, and impulse eating, and lost weight until I got down to the weight supported by the calories I’m actually consuming. Well… that’s fucking obvious. LOL So… now I have to reduce my caloric intake down to the quantity that will support my goal weight. Of course. Nothing to see here. So ordinary it is almost not worth mentioning.

You know what is worth mentioning? It’s just mean to be shitty to people because of their weight. It’s definitely rude and inappropriate to comment on it. You know what else is worth mentioning? It’s also not your fucking business how someone is managing their weight, their health, or even what their personal aesthetic is. Do you think someone is “fat”? Well, okay, you have an opinion. Let it go. If nothing else, just shut up about it. It’s most likely not your concern, at all. Is taking a GLP-1 “cheating” if the only reason someone takes it is to lose weight? I’m not sure that’s anyone else’s business in the first place. It’s inappropriate to be taking it for vanity weight loss if there are shortages that prevent people who need it for their health and wellness from getting it. Still not your business (or mine) who is taking it and why. Like any other medical question, that should be a conversation between patients, doctors, and caregivers. (And it would be nice if we could all take a wee step back and stop hassling each other over appearances.)

Taking Ozempic has changed my life a lot. My poor impulse control, for example, just generally (a byproduct of head trauma and brain damage) is now notably improved (like, just not a problem), which was an unexpected bonus. I’m not distracted by the thought of food or thinking about the next meal, which means I can more easily focus on what I’m doing. I have more energy, which means I get more done – including the exercise I need to be healthy. My health concerns are mostly well-managed – and this has also resulted in being able to discontinue several other medications, which means my body isn’t having to process all those other drugs. My quality of life has improved, and sure, I lost some weight. There are still verbs involved. I still have to watch what I eat, still have to get healthy exercise and take care of myself. It’s not a fucking magic trick, it’s just a treatment for a medical condition.

So, here I am, 16 months after starting on a GLP-1, still human. Still working, walking, and being. My results vary. I still have to practice healthy practices. Still have to eat right and exercise. Ozempic isn’t a cheat code to perfect health, or achieving my ideal weight – it’s just a medication. It does have serious side effects, which seem to be more of a problem for consumers taking larger doses solely for weight loss, than for people taking it to manage their diabetes (something to consider). For me, the side effects have been mild, and limited, and tend to be easily managed by eating a healthy diet that maximizes plant fiber, protein, and includes plenty of water. I supplement my magnesium. I make a point to drink a yogurt beverage with reliably good quality active cultures (several varieties). I feel good on this GLP-1; it changed several “small things” and has had big results (for me). It’s not for everyone, I’m sure.

One day at a time, one step at a time, I walk my own path. You’re walking yours. Neither of us actually have the time to waste on criticizing other people’s choices with regard to personal aesthetic or health, wellness, or beauty. There’s too much to do in life to waste it on interfering in other people’s business, isn’t there? I hear that clock ticking in the background (here in the office, it is a literal ticking clock that I hear). It’s already time to begin again…

This morning I am waiting for the sun. Well, I’m at least waiting for enough light to easily see the trail. It’s a gray cloudy morning that hints at rain. I arrived at the trailhead before dawn this morning, feeling quite a lot better and eager to walk. On some other morning, the early hour wouldn’t stop me, I’d just grab my headlamp and go…

…I took my Traveling Partner’s truck this morning, and forgot to grab my headlamp…

Parked and waiting for the sun.

No headlamp, no walking (only waiting). 😆

So, I’ve got this moment of stillness and waiting, and a head full of noise (and it isn’t just my tinnitus!) – seems like a good opportunity to meditate and reflect. No pressure to perform, no time-sensitive tasks facing me, just this quiet moment before a walk on a summer morning. Useful. I approach the moment with gratitude; it can be difficult to find a moment of real stillness to pause and reflect. Time well-spent, when used thusly.

I sit with my thoughts, letting them pass through my consciousness, noted, observed, but without clinging to any one thought. I breathe, exhale, and relax, allowing myself to appreciate my own presence for some little while, simply breathing and being. I make room for life’s questions to surface in my thoughts, one by one. I allow them each to move on, some answered, some “for another time”.

I write for some little while, sharing these thoughts and practices.

The sky lightens as minutes pass. The oaks along the trail are silhouetted against the gray sky. Definitely looks like rain… but it doesn’t smell like rain, and my arthritis is not griefing me in any noteworthy way this morning. Maybe it won’t rain? I look down the trail and wonder if I will regret not grabbing my rain poncho? I shrug it off as a concern; the temperature is quite mild and even a drenching downpour would only mean a shower and a change of clothes after I return home. Inconsequential. I’d just be a bit uncomfortable as I finished the walk, and that’s not that big a deal.

I swap boots for shoes, happy that I didn’t turn back over the lack of a headlamp; there is no reason to hurry through this moment. It’s mine, and I can do with it as I please. I look out at the gray hills on the western horizon and wonder again if I have been over there, looking back at this place, ever. It’s just another thought that drifts by, and I let it.

A new day, a new moment, a new beginning.

I can definitely see the trail now. I stretch as I get to my feet and grab my cane. Even the most familiar path may have more to share, if I approach each new beginning with open eyes and a calm heart. It’s a new day, and it’s time to begin.

I’m sipping my coffee on a routine (for most values of “routine”) Monday. I consider checking the news feed for whatever might be genuinely newsworthy, but decide against it; I don’t feel like wading through the bullshit sponsored content, partisan lies and ill-intentioned spin, and clickbait intended to grab my attention while some unknown other grabs my data. None of that shit rises to the level of “news”, and I definitely don’t need to be told (again) that billionaires are self-serving, or that “the government” is corrupt.

There’s a “heat warning” for this area, over the next day or two. This is a type of weather warning that did not exist when I was a kid. This kind of heat, in a lot of places around the country (and the world) did not exist when I was a kid. For me, personally, this defines “climate change” – the heat. Hotter summer days and more of them, in an area that once laughed about summer’s lack of warmth in “June-uary” and enjoyed fairly frequent drenching rain, even in summertime; there’s a lot less laughter about that, now, and a lot less summer rain.

I’m finding the outcomes of the terrible (and cruel) decision-making of the current US administration pretty disheartening, and thoroughly objectionable. From refusing to regulate AI or protect creator IP, from censorships to tariffs, this government is succeeding… in bringing about a new dark age. What to do about that, though? I sip my coffee and think about how to bring the light of the world to the dark future unfolding right now… I probably sound overly dramatic. Still, here we all are, eh? So…what to do? I have some thoughts…

  1. Read (and buy) actual bound books written exclusively by human authors. Talk about them.
  2. Consume content (while the internet is still available at all) created by human creators. Share that.
  3. Enjoy, support, and buy real (original) art created by living human artists – and buy it, where you can, directly from the artist(s).
  4. Learn practical skills and buy the tools required to do the things. Especially skills that don’t rely entirely on electricity, internet connectivity, and the existence of the power grid – people with useful skills always have a place within their community. Learn to make things.
  5. Be curious and seek information (ideally from vetted sources with reliably recognized expertise).
  6. If you have land (even enough for a small garden, or containers on a patio) grow food – particularly heirloom varieties unburdened by patents, or reproductive restrictions.
  7. Connect with other real human beings in IRL places as frequently as you can – and have real conversations about real world concerns and circumstances, and current events and find common ground together. Yes, even with strangers.
  8. Practice good self-care – for yourself – and practice kindness and compassion – for the rest of the world.
  9. Spend your limited financial resources in your local community on goods and services made by local people, wherever/whenever you are able (or can afford) to do so.
  10. Explicitly communicate your expectations, your “wishlist”, and your “demands” or dissatisfaction to your elected representatives – even if they are not of your party or don’t share your beliefs. Do it often.
  11. Lift each other up. (There are already more than too many people and agencies out there in the world tearing people down.)

Don’t let your voice be silenced. Consider your options, and do your best to make choices that will tend to create the world you wish to see. Don’t let your fears or insecurities, or your petty biases or hostility to this or that cause or belief system cause you to become a monster that you can’t face in the mirror each morning (or, you know, don’t become a monster at all). Choose, each day, to be the person you most want to be, regardless of how vile and terrible the world around you seems to be becoming. Who you are is about you, not them. Do you – for you.

I guess the tl;dr is… don’t just bitch about the shit going on around you, make choices that are different than that, and speak truth to power. (I say that like it’s easy – it is not; it requires constant effort and practice.)

I breathe, exhale, and relax. The landscapers are already mowing this morning, likely due to the extreme heat expected later. If ICE showed up right now and started hassling those landscapers… would I take any action? Would you? It’s a worthwhile thought exercise. You should probably know what your values really are, there. What would you want of bystanders if ICE came for you? (Because, you know, at some point they may – we’re living in dark times.)

Where do you really stand in this new dark age? Here’s a test of your values and ethics that you may find interesting… a simple thought exercise. If you were offered a job (just a salaried job, no guarantees for continued employment) for millions of dollars in annual salary, with the explicit understanding that the results of your work would be directly responsible for putting thousands of people in poverty, reducing the quality of life of many millions of others, and likely result in a notable number of actual deaths…but you would be lifted out of poverty (for as long as you held that job) and live in comfort with your family, debt free with the world’s goods at your fingertips – would you take that job? I don’t need to know your answer – but you do. Are you one of the good guys, or just another self-serving asshole prepared to destroy the world so you can have a [fucking yacht, or Lamborghini, or whatever your symbol of fantastic wealth happens to be]? It’s an important question, and whether you answer it in words or not, the consequences of your actions and choices will tell the world what your values really are.

Yeesh. So grim and grounded this morning. lol I sip my coffee grateful to have a moment of time to explore thought exercises, and questions of ethics and values. The whole picture of my own adult life has not been characterized by wise ethical decision-making, or consistently living my values well. It’s been a very human journey, and when I set off down this path I not only didn’t know where it was leading me, I didn’t have a clear understanding of who is this “woman I most want to be”, in the first place. I suffered from a lack of honest self-reflection, and a lack of useful questions to light my way. Sometimes I still find myself “wandering in the dark” – and there are certainly those among us who would greatly prefer that we all “wander in the dark” without finding a sense of ourselves or understanding what we value, and what we want to see in the world. It is sometimes possible to vanquish those monsters simply by shining a light on the path.

I finish my coffee hoping to succeed in being my best self today. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to do my best on another day. It’s time to begin again…

I got home from work yesterday, grateful to have survived humanity through one more commute. Fuck, there are a lot of stupid people “out there”… Each homecoming at the end of a work day in the office feels worth celebrating.

Carrots from the garden

I began the evening by picking some carrots from the garden to roast for dinner. They’ll make a nice side dish for the tarragon chicken I plan to make. I’ll use tarragon from the garden, too. This a real treat, because the tarragon is relatively young (planted this year, back in March I think) and still getting established.

The evening was lovely. We hung out awhile, listening to music, watching videos, and enjoying some “family time”. Pleasant. I ended the evening at more or less the usual time, in more or less the usual way. I had a plan to sleep in, have a walk, and go to a morning appointment, and do grocery shopping on the way home. (So far so good, I suppose. I didn’t sleep in at all. I woke without an alarm, at some ridiculous hour, for no obvious reason. Definitely no sleeping in, though I was groggy for the entire drive to the trailhead.)

The morning greeted me with a fat full moon hanging low in the predawn sky. I watched it set, and the sunrise begin, as I drove. Lovely.

A last glimpse of the full moon setting, from a favorite mid-point on my walk.

The summer air is fragrant with a spicy floral scent of something blooming. I can’t describe it, and don’t know for sure what the fragrance is. I breathe deeply. I walk the trail marveling at the dense mist clinging to the ground. The sunrise is hues of peach and pink, edged in delicate gold. I feel fortunate to see such splendor with my own eyes.

Here’s the thing… I’m not in a great mood. I’m cross and fatigued and in pain. Yesterday evening, my shitty mood from sleeping poorly the night before continued to linger. Shitty moods and difficult moments are part of the human experience, but they are not all of it, even in those difficult moments. What I remember most about yesterday are those beautiful carrots from the garden and how delicious they were. What I will remember about this morning will more likely be the scents of summer and the beautiful sunrise, not my headache or my crappy mood. Learning to savor (and be present for) the small joys in life has tended to make life more pleasant, generally.

I sit, smiling, in this favorite spot, watching little birds and chipmunks and squirrels enjoying the morning. I watch the sun rise. I watch the shifting mist flow over the ground, moving with the air, almost as if it were liquid. I watch the moon set, disappearing below the edge of the western horizon. I’m not in any rush. Lingering over this pleasant moment is more than enjoyable; it is restoring my joy and merriment. Each pleasant moment, and each breath of fragrant summer air brings a sense of joy, and my mood slowly improves. My irritation diminishes. I’m still tired and in pain, but it matters a little less with each passing moment of enjoyment in this place. We become what we practice. 😁

I reach a point of quiet contentment and general satisfaction with the moment, and with life. Nice place to find myself. I breathe, exhale, and relax. Sunlight fills the meadow and lights the tree tops. I sigh as I get to my feet. It’ll be time to begin again by the time I get back to the car.