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What’s Good, Though?

January 27, 2026 //
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It’s easy to focus on the negative, isn’t it? Whatever is amiss right now, whether here or far away, is often so compelling we dive headlong into that mess, and give up on all the good things going on, too. We get mired in some bit of unpleasantness, large or small, or let conflict live in our heads, and forget to live our lives through any other lens. Yesterday was hard. I had a nasty headache that persisted through the day, I was cross from the moment I woke until I finally called it a night. It’s rare for me to be stuck in a bad mood for so long. I’m glad I woke without it.

Look, I’m not saying don’t protest injustice (please be safe, and please protest peacefully), nor am I discouraging you from speaking up about how you feel or what you are going through. (Use your words! Speak truth to power.) I am pointing out that the picture is nearly always bigger than the moment any one of us is in right now, and there are opportunities to get to a more positive outlook, and a better state of being. In some cases, it may take a night of good sleep, in others maybe a moment of perspective is all that is needed? You results may vary – I know mine do. lol Adulting is hard sometimes. I’m grateful that with expectation setting and taking care with my words throughout the day, the consequences of yesterday’s crappy headspace ended up being generally good; a deeper connection with my Traveling Partner, and no one having to go to bed mad or with hurt feelings (as far as I could tell). Win. Small wins matter; sometimes small wins are all you get.

Sometimes it’s a good idea to take a minute, and sort things out.

This morning, I’m thinking about “what’s good?” – because I spent too much time yesterday focused on the things that were off, or going wrong, or just seem crappy and unfair. My Traveling Partner was correct all those years ago, when he pointed out to me that my negativity was doing me real harm (in addition to being unpleasant to be around, generally). “Toxic positivity” is not the solution; this is not “fake it until you make it” territory, though speaking in terms of practices may suggest that it somehow is. It is more to do with perspective, and balance, and self-awareness, and consideration, and compassion – and the very real likelihood that most of the time, in most circumstances, things are not as bad as they may seem in the moment. Emotions like sorrow and anger and frustration are still valid useful emotions that tell us something about our experience. The way out is through – squashing our emotions does not resolve them. Forbidding ourselves to experience our feelings in order to more carefully craft a feigned pleasant exterior and a smile suited only to commercial purposes is not emotionally healthy. There is another path. Savor the small pleasures and simple joys. Enjoy each fleeting moment of delight unreservedly. Share kindness. Assume positive intent. Don’t take things personally. When hard times hit, the resilience you’ve built over time will sustain you. We become what we practice. (Practice calm, we become calmer over time. Practice freaking out over small things or losing your temper over small mishaps, we become less able to manage our emotions in a healthy way, and unable to maintain our perspective on events. Seems like we’ve got some choices.) I sip my coffee and think about it awhile longer. Am I satisfied with how I handled my crappy day yesterday? Mostly. Could I have done better? Probably. I have today ahead of me to do that; it’s a whole new experience, filled with new moments.

It is an ordinary enough Tuesday. I may even work from home. My Traveling Partner suggested it. I woke way too early for that, though, and I did not want my wakefulness to wake everyone else. I dressed and slipped away into the darkness – hopefully without waking everyone.

What’s good? This cup of coffee, actually. It’s pleasant, mellow, and no bitterness detected – characteristics I’d like very much to develop and deepen, as a person. I think most days I get pretty close. Progress. I think about the work on-site annual strategy meeting that I am not attending in person this week, afterall. Sure, I could get all wound up in whether not being there in person may “hold me back” professionally… or… I could focus on what’s good; I’m home, available to care for my Traveling Partner when he needs me, and not faced with the inconvenience, cost, fatigue, or risk of illness that inevitably comes with professional travel. What I choose to focus on may set the tone for many moments ahead of me. It’s not a new lesson for me – I knew it yesterday when I was mired in my bleak mood. I struggled to make an effective change, not because I did not know I could choose otherwise, but because making that choice in the first place was so fucking difficult in that moment. (Moments pass.) I’m not inclined to understate how difficult it can be to choose change, to go another direction, or to soothe an angry heart. Sometimes it is hard, and my results vary. I keep practicing because I keep improving through practice. It gets better. It gets easier. It gets more reliable – until at some point, on some detail of behavior, thinking, or character, I will find that I have changed.

Walking my own path, one step at a time.

What’s good? Right now the warmth and cameraderie of this chain cafe! It’s a silly thing, but heart-warming; the baristas here have gotten to know me by name, and are familiar with my early morning coming and going on these work days. I write quietly in the corner, people-watching a bit now and then, sipping coffee and reflecting on life. If I don’t come by, they notice. If I am wearing a frown for no obvious reason, they ask if I’m okay. It’s a very human experience of community. It’s good. I enjoy it, even when I’m headache-y and cross. Yesterday it was one of the highpoints of my morning – just that moment of recognition that I was not at my best and clearly having a difficult morning. “How’s the morning?” backed up with a concerned look, and authentic interest in the answer hits differently. I reflect on authenticity and sincerity. A much younger me might have sneered dismissively at the suggestion that these are character qualities with real value. That younger me was wrong about a lot of other shit, too. I chuckle with fond affection and a smile with a little sorrow at the corners; we don’t know what we don’t know, and we think we know a lot more than we actually ever could.

What’s good? Simple pleasures, like a hot shower, or a good cup of coffee. Unexpected delights, like a gift on a non-birthday, or a letter (or email) from a faraway friend. A pleasant moment over a cup of tea at the edge of my garden in Spring? Definitely good. An unexpected compliment is also good. I sip my coffee and think of as many little things that feel good to me as I can, and I turn those around “in the other direction” – so many are things I can easily do and deliver that moment of joy and delight to someone else. I smile thinking about it. Maybe this evening is a good one to write letters (or emails) to far away friends? Perhaps it is a good one to enjoy a shower with my Traveling Partner – or share a good cup of coffee together in the evening (I could pick up some decaf for me)? Is there some little thing I could give to a friend to demonstrate my affection? Perhaps I could invite my pleasant neighbor over for a cup of tea? The joy we give others is returned to us multiplied. There are verbs involved. Choices to make. Actions to follow-through on. Living life is not a passive process.

Seems to be very effective so far… probably doesn’t hurt that the path is mine, and that I choose it myself.

I sip my coffee. I think to message my Traveling Partner to let him know I will return home later, after he wakes, to work from home. Useful expectation-setting that I don’t expect him to see until he wakes later. Minutes later, he replies; he hasn’t slept as well as I had hoped, apparently, but lets me know he’s going back to sleep. I hope he does and that his rest is deep and satisfying. I know how rare that it is, and how much he needs it.

My coffee has begun to cool. There is a bossa nova playing in the background, reminding me of my grandparents and summers at their house; the favored radio station playing there was some sort of smooth jazz, and often featured samba and bossa nova music. It’s not music that I greatly enjoy, neither do I dislike it – it definitely fills me with nostalgia, and memories of a different time and place.

Meditation over coffee… like a sunrise in my thoughts.

What’s good with you? Take a moment to think it over (no need to get back to me, though I’d certainly make time to enjoy your comment and to reply, it’s really for you more than for me), especially if the here and now of your experience is difficult. Give yourself a moment to appreciate the things that are good. Let it lift you up and color your perspective. Go ahead and begin again. 😀

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Categories anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, joy, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Big 5, War and News of War, winter, women, Words

Wishing Upon a Star

January 25, 2026 //
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I was surprised to see a a shooting star streak across the sky, from behind me as I drove up the highway towards the trail I would be walking. It wasn’t yet daylight, still early, quite dark, and there it was, as if leading me onward. I always wish on a shooting star. My wishes silently tumbled into one another, as I listed them in my head hurriedly, hoping to finish before the star had fallen and faded away…

…I wish I had more wisdom that I seem to, and better judgement…

…I wish people would be kinder to each other, more open to each other’s differences, more compassionate…

…I wish there were no yelling, no raised voices, no gunfire, no killings, no violence…

…I wish I’d do a better job at hurrying up and becoming the woman I most want to be – that I know I can be (with practice)…

…I wish I would listen more deeply, with greater patience, and more resilience in the face of strong emotion…

…I wish life felt simple and easy more of the time…

…I wish there more time…

…In the instant between when I spotted a shooting star passing overhead as I drove up the highway and finishing a hurried list of wishes, the star streaked forward, and began to fall, before it sort of seemed to burst like fireworks ever so briefly, like a punctuation mark at the end of a sentence, and it was gone. A fleeting moment of hope, and a wish (or two) for more, or better, or… other than what is. A futile child’s game, I know. Wishing doesn’t change reality at all. It takes much more work than that.

My walk was lovely. Nice morning for it, although it was quite cold. It’s later now. Eventually my arthritis pain caught up with my headache. Strange day. It began well. I felt quite loved, cherished, and appreciated…until suddenly I didn’t. Humans being human. It’s hard sometimes. People say unkind things they don’t mean to people very dear to them, or deliver very ordinary things in terribly unpleasant tones of voice, and all the love in the world doesn’t change that. Hurt feelings… hurt. I remind myself to “let small shit stay small” and not to take things personally. It still stings when someone dear says something hurtful. Resilience is helpful, sure, but g’damn I’d really like it to matter less. I’d like to hear the words, reflect on the message, and not have it fired at me as an emotional weapon. Or… I’d like not to feel it in that way. That’s the not taking it personally piece, and it’s a difficult practice. Human primates take so much shit so very personally.

“Emotion and Reason” 18″ x 24″ acrylic w/ceramic and glow details, 2012

Human primates are emotional creatures. We feel. Our feelings matter. The complicated bit, for me, is often simply to avoid fusing with the emotional experience of my dear one (whoever that may be in the moment) – to maintain my separate self, my own perspective, my own values and awareness and agency. Getting it right means being fully accountable for my words and my actions – if I’ve royally fucked up (or if I haven’t), and even if the person I’m talking to just doesn’t see it from the same perspective at all. How does that work? I definitely need more practice.

I could bitch more. I could go on and on about it awhile. I could remain stuck here, angry, frustrated, vexed, hurt, wishing for more or different, or for someone to fix something. That’s not how change actually works. Just sitting around wishing doesn’t change anything at all. There are verbs involved. Boundaries to be set. Limitations to be expressed. Hurt feelings to be soothed. Amends to be made. Reality gets real, sometimes, and crying about it isn’t supremely helpful (it’s just a bit of stress relief). It’s important to use my words, to speak gently, to listen deeply… sooo many verbs. Choices. Actions. I need more practice.

I’m tired and my head hurts. I remind myself this is one moment of many, and that it has been a lovely day but for one moment. I breathe, exhale, and relax, and try to keep things in perspective. The way out is through. The lessons aren’t “easy” – or there’d be nothing to learn. I give myself a moment, and then I begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, women, Words

Change

January 24, 2026 //
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I slept in. I reached the trailhead as the sun cleared the horizon, and after enjoying some lovely views of Mt Hood at sunrise on my way up the highway. It is a clear cold morning, frosty and breezy.

Dawn, and the mountain in the distance.

I thought to make my way around the nature park from the less frequented trailhead tucked out of the way along the west side of the park, nearer to the river. I’d forgotten that the trail on that side is part of the seasonal route; closed until Spring. I grab a shot of the sunrise and head to the main trailhead. As late as it is, this morning, there are only a couple cars in the parking lot. It’s too cold for most walkers, though it is now a few degrees above freezing. Photographers and dedicated bird watchers still show up – and me.

I reach my halfway point, grateful for the added warmth of my gloves, scarf, and hat. I sit awhile, watching small birds hopping among the bare branches of nearby oaks. Busy morning for small birds, apparently.

Which is the distraction, the many small birds, or the tangle of branches against the blue sky?

I sit with my thoughts awhile. “Other people’s drama”, mostly, pulling my focus from what I need for and from myself most. The amount of emotional energy any one of us has to put into supporting, avoiding, addressing, healing, resolving, soothing, or staying out of such things is sometimes pretty fucking ridiculous (and draining). We inflict it on ourselves through social media, we find it forced upon us in our relationships, we create it in some moment of frustration, disappointment, or misunderstanding. It’s all very messy and annoying. We could do better. Unfortunately, emotional intelligence, critical thinking, conflict resolution, and healthy communication practices are rarely explicitly taught as part of mainstream curriculum (definitely not in the US), and many of us only notice the lack in our own life and development when we finally breakdown to the point of getting (and accepting) real help. Most of us just get by on a DIY approach, changing problematic behavior only after it destroys some important relationship, or after our life “falls apart” as a consequence of our shitty behavior or lack of emotional control.

“Feel what you’re feeling, do what is right,” a monster used to say to me. (I didn’t realize then that through other eyes I might be viewed as a monster, myself. PTSD is a relentless adversary, and hurt people do hurt people.) I can’t say I learned many good lessons in that relationship – and I’m lucky to have escaped with my life. This phrase has continued to stick in my memory. It’s an important idea about choice and values and free will and could have been really useful guidance if I’d had more understanding of my emotional experience in the first place, or if I’d had a more clear understanding of what I thought was “right”, and where I stood in relation to my values. It is more useful now, however regrettable the source.

Human beings, being human. It’s complicated. Sometimes some pretty important basics elude us until we’ve made a mess of our lives completely. Sometimes we just don’t accept guidance we’re offered. People are complicated. We’re each having our own experience, but often behaving as though we have shared perspective, values, and understanding of circumstances – even though we barely manage to communicate clearly. Often we aren’t even listening to the Other, we’re just wary, defensive, and waiting to talk. We could definitely do better.

Who do you most want to be? How will you be remembered by those who matter to you most?

I sit listening to the wind blow. It’s a different experience with the hearing aids in. I ask myself what steps I would take to improve a valued but contentious relationship if it were critical to preserve and deepen that relationship? What would I tell a friend if asked? I think I’d begin with utterly basic practices, starting with the Four Agreements. (Nevermind mind the “woo”, these are really effective basic practices.) I might also suggest:

  1. Be sincerely curious – ask questions from a place of goodwill.
  2. Listen deeply.
  3. Assume positive intent.
  4. Remind yourself why this person and relationship matter to you.
  5. Behave with kindness.
  6. Do not escalate.

I know. Not the easiest list of practical suggestions. Feasible with practice, but so many verbs and opportunities for failure. It can be really hard to pause in some moment of temper and say in an honest and vulnerable way “hold on, I want a do-over on this conversation, this is not how I mean to behave.” Practice will result in incremental changes over time. No guarantees that people dear to you will stick around while you struggle to become the person you most want to be. Use your words. Do your best.

… You’ll definitely have to do the work involved in being a better version of yourself, all on your own…

…Yes, it’s real work, and a lot of it.

I guess I’m just saying, things are sometimes challenging in these human relationships. It can seem so unreasonable to have to work so hard at them. It can be so worth it! Do your best – and when you fail (and you will), take a breath, apologize sincerely for the harm you may have done, and begin again.

… Good luck! This shit is hard sometimes…

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Categories anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, meditation, Metaphors, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter, Words

In a Jam

January 11, 2026 //
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It was raspberry jam, as I recall…

The jar was almost empty, and it had gotten shoved to the back of the refridgerator. The lid was cranked down on that jar so tightly that it could not be opened easily, and stayed firmly closed in spite of various attempts. Putting jam on a biscuit should not be this difficult for anyone. Frustration built quickly; this was the third, possibly fourth idea for a sweet bite in the evening, after dinner, and where the others failed due to lack of some ingredient, this was failing over… a jam jar. There didn’t appear to be any other jam in the house, either (although it would later turn out that tiny holiday jams were available, too, they were not cold, and they were not visually obvious to someone who did not know they were there). Cupboards slammed. Tempers flared. An evening’s pleasant quiet was broken.

…This wasn’t about the jam. That’s where it got tricky, actually, this was about the lack of consideration for someone expecting to be cared for, lack of accommodation of known disabilities, and lack of awareness. That’s what the anger was about.

Sometimes it’s really difficult to keep the needs of other people clearly in mind. Consideration is one of the toughest of my relationship values; it forces me out of my head and demands that I be present, aware of others, and considering our shared (and individual) needs more or less continuously. That jam jar didn’t get shoved into the back of the refridgerator intentionally; it was a thoughtless act. The last person to close that jar probably didn’t crank that lid down like that deliberately, which ultimately required considerable effort to get that jar open, they likely were not even thinking about what they were doing in that moment. As the jam got used, no one thought to put it on the grocery list, and so we ran out, resulting in a minimal portion of jam remaining, in a jar that couldn’t be opened by the woman with arthritis in her thumbs (or my Traveling Partner), barely enough to amount to a serving, difficult to get at it in the first place, and the result was hurt feelings, frustration, and seething anger when it was clear that other members of the household were simply not getting what the fuss was about. What the reaction excessive? Yeah, probably. Almost certainly. Here’s the thing, though; everyone in the house is aware of familiar with each other’s disabilities. The expectation – and it has been made explicit (we’ve talked about it as a family a lot) – is that we are each considering those limitations, and accounting for them in our daily actions. That didn’t happen, and it derailed a lovely evening as a result.

Eventually, things settled into a more harmonious state. The jam got restocked when I next went shopping, and reminders were given all around to put things on the shopping list when the last of anything is opened (rather than waiting for it to run out completely – maybe that wasn’t clear enough, previously). Room was made on a shelf in the refridgerator door to hold the currently-open jar of jam, for easier access. Steps were taken to put things right. It’s important that this jam over jam isn’t misunderstood, though – because it wasn’t about the jam. It was about the lack of consideration, the lack of care, and the implied disrespect involved in those, and if that isn’t clear it is very likely that some similar jam over something other than jam may erupt at some future time and place for all the same reasons.

…Hell, I’ve thoughtlessly set myself up for failure in a very similar way, simply by not paying attention to what I was doing in the moment, and dealing with the consequences of my own lack of consideration, later…

I have sometimes been accused of being “overly considerate” (no kidding, some people will find reason to criticize anything, even things that work in their favor). I don’t happen to agree; I manage to persist in sometimes failing to consider some important detail, implying I am as yet still not sufficiently considerate enough of the time. I keep practicing. It’s not the easiest thing to open a refridgerator to put away groceries, and while doing so consider whether each item is where the person most likely to want it will easily find it and be able to reach it. It’s not the easiest thing to tidy up with an eye on the next person to use that thing – or that space. It requires presence, and awareness. It may require clarifying questions (“Hey, if I put the jam here on this shelf, can you reach that?”). It will surely require me to step outside myself and try to see things from the perspective of some other person. Doing this well begins with Theory of Mind, and it’s rather unfortunate that a great many adults fail to use the full measure of their capacity to understand someone else’s experience or perspective, resulting in a lot of chaos, heartache, frustration, and anger.

We are each having our own experience. We each follow our own path. We each understand words based on our own internal dictionary, and tend to reflect on our experiences through the lens of…our own experiences. Although we are “all in this together”, humanity’s shared journey is being taken by individuals who not only don’t read minds, they barely understand their own sometimes, and there is no “user’s guide”. It’s a puzzle. I keep practicing.

I sip my coffee on a quiet Sunday morning. The rest of the house sleeps. I’m astonished that I managed to wake up, wash my face and brush my teeth, make coffee and then move things around in my studio/office space to comfortably write at my computer, while I wake up. This feels like a major win. I’m fortunate that my sinuses feel pretty clear, and I didn’t wake with a cough. Am I finally really over the recent bout of flu? Well that “only” took four weeks – I’m grateful it wasn’t worse.

I sip my coffee and think about jam. Funny, this whole jam over jam was days ago. It stuck with me because I continued to turn it over in my head. The conversation. The emotions. The underlying factual details. The interwoven relationships and the expectation-setting. The actions, reactions, and over-reactions. The course-correction, and careful mending of hurt feelings. It felt to me like there was a lot more to learn from this than the obvious lesson, which initially seemed to be “put shit on the grocery list before it completely runs out”, but I knew it was more nuanced than that, and I kept thinking it over. I woke this morning, thinking about jam – and also thimble cookies, and raspberry bars, and coffee cakes with a jam swirl in the middle, and biscuits fresh from the oven, warm and ready for jam. I chuckle to myself wondering if thoughts of delicious baked goods are the cognitive reward for “doing my homework”? lol

I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a lovely Sunday morning. I’m ready to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Moments, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter, Words

The Real Gets Real-er

January 5, 2026 //
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First “proper” work day (for me) of the new year. I sip my coffee considering the moment, and the day ahead.

I push thoughts of worldly matters aside, in favor of here, now. The coffee is good. Hot on my tongue, soothing on my throat. I had planned to work from home. Plans change, and I am waiting for the university library to open in 15 minutes. A quiet uninterrupted work day will be just the thing to get me caught up after being ill. The morning is gray, and it has been a rainy night. It’s a cold drizzly morning in the Pacific Northwest. Winter.

… When I moved to the area in 1998, we would reliably have at least some snow before the new year, and plenty of freezing mornings and icy cold days, but it’s been awhile since that has been true. Winter (at this altitude and location) is more about gray rainy days, now. Cold, but rarely freezing. It could be that I personally prefer this, but I don’t think that has anything to do with what is good for the health of the planet.

Permanence is an illusion. Change is. I sigh to myself and think about life. Where does this path lead? How many more years? What quality of life will I enjoy over time? Will I live to see global peace…or global war? I sip my coffee. The clock is ever ticking.

I breathe, exhale, and relax, and take a few minutes for meditation, before I begin again. Say hello to 2026 – what will you do with it?

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Categories 2024 Election, Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, War and News of War, winter, Words
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