Archives for posts with tag: begin again

I chuckled when I read that Elon Musk is going to launch his very own political party, to give Americans a third option. It manages to come across more as a petulant tantrum than “news”. I laughed harder when Donald Trump retorted on social media (on a platform he, himself, owns – how is this shit newsworthy, at all?), like an angry teenager, that he doesn’t even care, because third parties can’t win (or words to that effect).

Firstly, and this is potentially unimportant, just a matter of accuracy, there are 11 political parties in the United States of America that are listed as “ballot-qualified” (but only two of those are qualified in all states). Musk launching a “third option” is actually much closer to launching a 12th, and then only if his new party manages to qualify for the ballot in more than one state. There’s a pretty good article on Wikipedia about political parties in the U.S., here.

Secondly, and this probably is important; the system for voting and elections in the U.S. has a near-certainty (just how the math works) of evolving into a two party system over time regardless how many parties it begins with, it’s just how “first past the post” voting works, and the electoral college does nothing to improve on that. A really fantastic breakdown of how elections and voting work, with a comparison of various systems, is available from CGP Grey. He breaks down the limitations of our present system nicely in this video – I definitely recommend watching this, and really thinking about how you vote, and why.

The “tl;dr”, I guess, is that it’s highly unlikely that yet another additional political party is going to produce great results come voting day; it’s the system (of government) itself that is broken, and not just the system of elections and voting we presently use, but also the system of ridiculously partisan special-interest and billionaire-focused decision-making used by our elected officials (in what way do billionaires “need” tax breaks but human beings don’t need affordable health care?). We could do so much better.

…Then… there’s this unavoidable fact; a great many people who don’t like Trump dislike Elon Musk just as much (or more), or don’t see much daylight between him and Trump’s swampy clown car of destruction, and have no interest in any political party established by Elon-fucking-Musk. I’m definitely among those. I don’t see the addition of a new party built on corruption, billionaire grifting, cruelty, racism, and sexism to be any sort of great opportunity for change. What change? It’s more of the same, from yet another out-of-touch asshole. No thanks.

Okay, so… it’s not even news, really, is it? New parties come and go. Assholes and grifters come and go. Hell, even ideologies come and go. Be alert. Think critically. Don’t get scammed.

I sigh to myself and let all that shit go. Knowing I would not ever join a political party founded by Elon Musk, and knowing there’s yet another 3 years of this Trump bullshit to endure, this garbage doesn’t even qualify as “news”, I suppose, and I’ve got a life to live, and things to do. I sip my coffee, and let my mind move on to other things, and this here and now moment – which is quite pleasant, and quiet. From my perspective, most days, the only party that actually “matters” is a party at home with friends in attendance for the pure joy of celebration. Our politics is a garbage heap. lol

“Local produce” – the vegetables from my garden just taste better.

It was a lovely weekend. I spent some of it gardening (carefully; I’ve still got the incision site on my finger carefully covered with a clean band-aid while it heals). I spent some of it hiking, cooking, doing a bit of housekeeping, napping, reading, and enjoying the companionship of my beloved Traveling Partner. It felt like a lazy weekend, but I managed to get most of the things I’d hoped to do done. The work week ahead looks like a routine one. The summer heat varies, some days quite hot, other days pleasantly warm without being terrible. I am grateful to have the Anxious Adventurer’s help; the lawn hasn’t died this summer, due to his care each day. Life being lived. I sip my coffee and consider how fortunate I am to live well at this point in my life, and what steps will take me into eventual retirement still thriving and living comfortably within my means? I know there are verbs involved, and I am grateful to have a partnership that encourages me day-to-day. We’re on a shared path, and I feel comforted by that even in these chaotic times.

…I sit smiling, gazing out the window onto a lovely summer morning, thinking about planning another camping trip, perhaps…? We had planned a family camping trip for this month, but my Traveling Partner is not yet quite up to it, although his recovery continues to progress. The Anxious Adventurer may use that reservation for a solo camping trip of his own – I find myself hoping he does, not because I want or need him gone from the house, but only because I think he’d enjoy that, and he’s worked hard over the past year. He could probably use a wee getaway to hike, take pictures, and generally exist on his own terms 100% for some little while. We can all use a little downtime now and then. Being human, and adulting skillfully, takes a ton of work, and it can be quite tiring. It’s healthy to take a break and recharge now and then.

…I remind myself to cancel that previously approved time off from work; I won’t need that (and I just had a week off recently)…

Ask the questions. Do the verbs.

The clock is ticking. I sigh to myself and sip my coffee. It’s a new day. What will I do with it? What choices will I make? Will I make the world some little bit better in some small way through carefully considered actions? Will I make someone’s day just a little nicer by being kind? Where does this path lead? I can’t see around the bend ahead, but I know this path won’t walk itself. lol It’s time to begin again.

I “slept in” (for some values of sleeping in), and drove to the trailhead with the sun in my eyes. No traffic. Lovely quiet drive. No pressure, no stress. I walked down the trail eagerly, feeling rested and fit. I hear (and see) robins, jays, finches, sparrows, and swallows. I listen to their calls and songs as they flit about their business in the meadow. A smallish owl perched very still atop a fence post startles me when he opens his eyes and turns his head as I pass; I thought he was part of the fence post! When he takes off and flies past me I get a better sense of his size (not “small”!)

…I keep walking…

A favorite spot to linger in summertime.

I get to my “halfway point” and take a seat on a fallen branch in this copse of oaks. I feel “surrounded by nature” though I’m an easy walk back to the trailhead parking lot, and the adjacent highway. I love this spot for a brief getaway from “the world”. Sunshine, blue sky, birdsong, breezes, meadow flowers…it has everything I want on a summer morning, except my Traveling Partner’s good company and a good cup of coffee. There’s something to understand there about wanting, yearning, seeking, finding, and… sufficiency.

What is enough? Once upon a time, I felt as if every moment had to meet every need and fulfill every desire. That’s a pretty shitty and unsatisfying way to live; nothing can ever measure up to such feelings. Worse still, I wanted so much. I wanted “happily ever after”, and every waking moment felt like failure, regardless how much joy and delight might actually be available. I couldn’t feel the good in my life because I was mired in chronic disappointment. Things didn’t change much until I stopped chasing “happiness” and began to cultivate contentment. Contentment is so… achievable. Turned out to be a useful stepping stone to moments of profound happiness, too, and because I wasn’t chasing happiness, I could really enjoy it with my whole self when I happened upon it.

I sit with my quiet thoughts awhile, listening to the various birds singing their songs. Some I easily recognize, others I’m less sure of. Here too, a lesson; curiosity and wonder leave plenty of room for learning and growth, where “certainty” tends to close that door with a bang. It’s hard to learn when we think we know. “Don’t be too sure” seems like very good advice. I’ve learned to embrace uncertainty and joy. I grin at a little bird approaching me very closely. I don’t bother trying to get a picture, I just enjoy the moment, instead.

The sun is warm on my back. I feel wrapped in contentment and quiet joy. My Traveling Partner pings me a good morning. My heart feels light. I get to my feet to finish my walk, and begin again.

I’m sitting in the sunshine as the sun rises. Pretty morning. My walk to this point has been quiet and pleasant. There was no traffic on the highway, either. If the folks in my neighborhood are a representative sample of Americans in the area, most folks who were going somewhere this weekend are gone, and those that were up late firing off various fireworks and noise makers are probably sleeping in; that shit was still going on at midnight.

A misty morning at the trailhead.

I’m enjoying the quiet and the solitude. Somewhere in the distance, I hear an occasional car pass by. My tinnitus is crazy loud this morning, and my back aches ferociously. I breathe, exhale, and relax, pulling my posture more upright. Changing my position doesn’t ease my pain in any noteworthy way, but slumping carelessly definitely tends to make it worse. Choices. I grumble silently to myself; everything seems to require a fucking effort. lol I laugh at myself for resisting the truth of it. Yes, surely things require effort. That’s just real. I sigh to myself and let it go. There’s no use fighting the effort required to do things. The best I can do is to make wise choices about what I am doing and where I’m putting my limited resources as an individual (even down to the effort involved).

Halfway “there” is just a point along the way. The journey is the destination.

…Fuck pain…

I sigh to myself and smile, thinking about yesterday. Nice evening. The Anxious Adventurer made lemon bars. Tasty. I made (a fairly simple, summertime) dinner. Nothing fancy. We enjoyed it together as a family. The weather was fairly mild and not hot, and we had turned off the AC, enjoying the natural breeze through windows open wide to the summer air.

I’ve no clear agenda for the weekend. Routine housekeeping stuff I guess. I sit watching the little birds at the edge of the meadow. I think about old friends and try to distract myself from pain. Maybe it is a good day to get out into the garden? There’s laundry to do, too. I chuckle at myself when I find myself daydreaming about doing housework as I sit here in the sunshine visualizing this or that task I know I am likely to do on a Saturday, and wondering what I can actually accomplish in practical terms. I’d rather sit with my feet up in the garden, sipping iced coffee and ignoring the tick of the clock, but time is a precious and finite resource and I have things to do. Another sigh breaks the stillness.

What next? I don’t know, yet. I’ve got options to consider. Choices to make. I’ve got my own path to walk. For the moment I am content just to be here, now, enjoying the morning sun without attachment to any particular outcome. Later, I can begin again.

The sunrise was a bold assortment of hues of pink and magenta this morning, rays of color flaring from behind streaks of pink clouds edged with mauve. I watched as I drove to the trailhead.

A new day, a new perspective.

…I wish I’d slept in…

I yawned through the first half of my walk, feeling sleepy. I feel like I could easily enjoy a nap, though I slept well and deeply and woke rested this morning. Doesn’t matter, and I keep walking.

I reached my halfway point happy to pause, but wishing there were a hammock conveniently nearby. lol There is not.

I sit watching a small herd of deer crossing the meadow. They have two fawns with them. It’s that time of year, and I know I’ll be seeing the fawn that has been keeping the local doe coming back to my garden again and again. Soon they’ll move on for the summer, and my roses will get a break from being nibbled at.

4 of July. My Traveling Partner has some work he expects will keep him occupied for much of the day. I’ll busy myself with tidying up the deck for cooking, later. The groceries are on hand. No errands to run that can’t wait (none that I recall right now), just a pleasant holiday weekend ahead, available for relaxation, good food, and fun.

I sit awhile watching the new day begin, and thinking about summer times past. The things I miss most about childhood summers are fireflies, thunderstorms, and leisure time (which seemed so endless then, it is hard to imagine now). There are no fireflies in this part of the world, and thunderstorms are quite uncommon. I’m managing to get sufficient leisure time, generally, but it doesn’t feel like those endless days of summer from my childhood. I sigh to myself, grateful for the three day weekend.

A little yellow and black bird hops quite close to me and sings a little song before flying away. I don’t even try to get a picture. I already know he’s too quick for me.

I get to my feet. Another yawn. It’s already time to begin again.

There’s a storm brewing. I can see the dark gray clouds on the horizon, through the lush summer greenery of the tree just beyond the window. I think about the weather and the climate. I think about change. I think about trauma, memory, and strangely I also think about genocide.

A view. A perspective on a moment.

Have you stopped to wonder, even for a moment, what the results of the collective trauma of the Palestinian people will be, those few that remain after years of genocidal attacks on that population? What about the people of Ukraine, fighting valiantly to preserve their national identity in the face of Russia’s attacks on their land, their culture, and their people? It may be worth a moment of your time to think about it. Some of these people may one day be your own neighbors. Just saying, we’re all in this together, aren’t we? All human?

I sip my coffee and watch the changing light and shadows through the tree beyond the window. I think my thoughts. 4th of July tomorrow – what are you celebrating? National identity? National pride? (Is there so much to be proud of, right now?) Freedom…? (Freedom from what, exactly?) Did you serve in the armed forces? If you did, are you still proud of your service, considering all that is going on in the world? (Were you ever?) Did you achieve something? No, I mean… really. What changed? What good have you done in the real world that is worth celebrating? (Maybe it would be sufficiently celebration-worthy to pass through this mortal life without doing any harm?) I sigh to myself. Rhetorical questions. I’ve got my own answers, and they are less than ideally satisfying. I still consider myself “a patriot” – and I am ashamed of the willful cruelty and corruption of our government, and the harms we seem so willing to deliver to our own people, and so many innocent non-combatants around the globe. How do people rationalize being so terrible to other people? So destructive? So hateful? So… stupid?

I personally find 4th of July as a national holiday fairly pointless, and the way it is celebrated, with displays of colorful ordnance and barbecue, rather wasteful. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like a good barbecue. I just don’t personally see the value in blowing shit up (however colorful) to celebrate a military victory more than 200 years in the past, by people who have never gone to war themselves, can’t understand what they are celebrating, and apparently have no idea of the real cost in human lives and suffering of military actions. What the actual fuck? What purpose do the fireworks serve? Is the risk of igniting a wildfire actually worth it? Still, here we all are, eh? It’ll be nice to enjoy a long weekend…

…G’damn, Woman, just let people have their fun…

The doe who eats my roses.

Yesterday evening while I was in the garden, I saw the doe who has been strolling through regularly and eating my roses and my vegetables. She calmly watched me, unbothered. I strode right up to her, lecturing her most sternly about eating my damned roses. She seemed mildly surprised, but not inclined to leave. I continued to berate her most firmly, providing clear explicit boundary-setting about my damned garden and my roses. She listened quite attentively, but did not acknowledge my points (I did not expect that she would). I threw my hands up in frustration, and raised my voice a bit “now just go, and stay out of my damned flower beds!” She darted away, paused, then strolled off into the trees, unimpressed by my ire. I’m quite certain I’ll have to have this talk with her again. lol

…Good coffee. I find myself wondering again how much longer coffee beans will be affordable to regular people…

I’m feeling a little cranky and blue, then I remember that as an individual person, I truly do have some things to celebrate on the 4th of July, and they are each “freedom” and independence related. It was 4th of July when I left my violent first marriage. It was 4th of July weekend when my Traveling Partner and I moved into our little house in Yamhill County. It was 4th of July weekend that the Anxious Adventurer arrived and moved in (one year ago), a truly helpful presence at a time when that was utterly necessary. There have probably been other milestones that fell on or near July 4th, that don’t immediately come to mind. Hell, I haven’t even always been so cranky about fireworks as I am now. lol We change as people over time, with all that we learn and experience in life. Our perspective changes. Our understanding of the world changes. Change is. I shake off my blue mood and have another sip of my coffee, noticing that a bluer bit of sky has begun to reveal itself. Promising; moments pass.

I breathe, exhale, and relax – and get ready to begin again. This path isn’t going to walk itself. 😉