Archives for posts with tag: self-care
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

A Monday Moment

September 16, 2024 //
0

It’s dark and I am waiting for the sun. I’m sitting at the trailhead, paused between meditation and writing, some time before my walk. It’s a Monday morning, probably a fairly routine one… But… And?

I’m feeling a bit “off”, somehow. Vaguely irritable, only… maybe not? I don’t know. I’m in a strange discontented headspace, with nothing much to complain about, and nothing going on that actually seems “wrong”. I’m not “unhappy”… neither am I “happy”. I sigh heavily. The weekend wasn’t particularly restful or productive. I enjoyed it in the company of my Traveling Partner, and that was pretty nice. I very much feel that I should be looking back on it with much more gratitude and enthusiasm, but… this strange discontented mood has a pretty firm hold on me. Something like the sensation of wanting something I simply can’t have, ever, and knowing it while only half accepting it, but also not taking any steps to change that. Weird mood.

Soon enough I’ll have to “put my work face on”, and wholly adopt a certain professional positivity, and get the day going. Fine. I will and it’ll work out. I’m just…here… now, in this very different place. No idea why. I feel almost as though laying down for awhile and just… weeping… might be a more authentic use of my time, but it seems like a fairly childish and ineffective approach to take.

…I wonder if my walk will help…

I breathe, exhale, and relax, waiting for the sun. I’m not yet in any particular amount of pain. This could be a very pleasant moment. It isn’t quite. Am I, perhaps, reacting to my Traveling Partner’s (understandable) feelings of depression and negativity, as he confronts and deals with his emotions regarding potential long-term consequences of his (more severe than we knew at the time) injury, or becoming fused with that experience instead of living my own? It’s possible. We spent the weekend closely together, enjoying (or sometimes not enjoying) each other’s company.

… Maybe I didn’t get enough rest? Or didn’t get enough done…?

Another sigh breaks the silence. The sky slowly lightens as daybreak approaches. I think to myself that perhaps I could sleep a bit later in the morning now that the days are shorter, but I know it’s a wasted thought; I wake when I wake. It happens to be quite early. I do my best to make good use of the time.

… I resent feeling so stupidly fussy and irritable without good cause…

I pause my writing and my thoughts when my alarm reminds me to take my morning meds. I do that while noting sourly to myself that as things are going, I’ll be unlikely to ever retire, becoming one of those older folks who works for a living until my grave opens up to receive the last of my frail remains. G’damn that’s fucking depressing. I’ve wanted to retire since I entered the fucking workforce. I take a deep breath and let it go, along with the thought. The future is not written. I breathe, exhale, relax, and bring myself back to this moment, which, although characterized by this almost comically bleak mood, isn’t really all that bad, otherwise.

Be here, now.

I work at resetting my mood. I fail, and I try again. I look for different perspectives. I take a moment to really “hear myself”. Limited success, and I keep trying. I know “the way out is through” and I know I will become what I practice. I keep practicing. Change is, and eventually this mood will pass. Eventually, I’ll understand what gadfly is biting my metaphysical ass and be more easily able to do something about it. Slow going, this morning, and my irritability vexes me.

The first hint of a new day.

Daybreak comes, and with it a chance to begin again. I frown pointlessly at the sky, missing old friends and somehow also missing solitude (in spite of being literally alone in this moment). I grab my cane and get my stupid human ass out of the car and on my feet. It’s time to begin again.

… Maybe I can just walk it off…?

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, anhedonia, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, health, loneliness, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, War and News of War

Something, Something Else

September 15, 2024 //
0

I was complaining yesterday about my early morning “me time” being interrupted and trying to communicate the way that has potential to undermine my self-care, generally. I didn’t recognize it at the time, but I did get through to my Traveling Partner, who was subsequently very considerate about my time this morning, although he is excited to talk about a tool he’d like to have and a choice opportunity to obtain it that developed last night. I feel very loved and “heard”. I remind myself to say so and express my appreciation.

… This morning I overslept…

I headed to the nearby local trail I favor, for my morning walk, just in case I may later be driving a distance for a tool. Love is funny like that; I’d do most anything to see my partner smile, even drive a long way on a short weekend, to look at a tool.

… Funny thing… I got to the trailhead ahead of the sun, eager for a peaceful satisfying walk with my thoughts… Humans. Shit. Two vehicles parked askew in my usual spot. I don’t own it, so… Shit happens, eh? Public place. I park on the other side of the parking lot and start meditating as I wait for the sun. One vehicle starts it engine and idles awhile. (Are you kidding me!?) It’s a biiig Cummins diesel with a nasty whine to it. Fucking loud. It’s hard to meditate. Or think. Fucking noisy humans. Finally. The truck drives away. Minutes later the aggressively well-cared for sports car that was parked alongside the truck starts it’s engine, high beams shining in my eye, and idles awhile. (Are you fucking kidding me with this rude-ass bullshit?! What the hell?) I sigh irritably and wait it out. They leave, too, and I’m finally alone with the stillness of morning… until another early riser shows up, parks right next to me, and begins unloading dogs to walk the trail, too. FFS. G’damn it. Life is clearly teaching me a lesson this morning.

It’s not quite daybreak and she walks away, with her headlamp on. Damn that’s a lot of dogs for so early in the morning. lol

I move my car over to my preferred parking spot. No bright streetlight overhead, better view of the treeline on the far side of the meadow. I begin again.

It’s a new day. Enjoy it.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. I sit quietly with my thoughts. I meditate while I wait for the sun. I wonder about the day ahead while I lace up my boots and grab my cane. Change is. Our expectations are not the reality. The map is not the world. We’re each walking our own mile and having our own experience. Circumstances are what they are; how we understand them, and what we feel and think and choose to do are within our control. We have choices. Results may vary. The journey is the destination.

There’s enough light now to see the trail ahead, until it turns the bend into the darkness among the trees. It’s definitely time to begin again – this path won’t walk itself. 😀

Tags , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, autumn, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, Uncategorized

Prose and Comms

September 14, 2024 //
0

I woke gently after a restful night. I made coffee for my still-sleeping Traveling Partner, and slipped away quietly into the pre-dawn darkness, headed to the trailhead and another walk at sunrise.

Not quite daybreak, still a new day.

My Traveling Partner wakes before dawn, and pings me a question. This is two mornings in a row that abrupt communication without any sort of greeting or preamble have interrupted my only reliable opportunity to take a little quiet time for myself that doesn’t require me to take that time away from some other purpose or person. I’m momentarily irritated that I’m not important enough in the moment to at least rate a greeting or a “good morning” before questions and complaints. I’m feeling moody over the lack of consideration for this precious self-care time and puzzled by the lack of awareness that I need this for me. None of my partner’s questions or concerns seem so urgent that they couldn’t have waited until after my walk. I sit quietly after the conversation ends, wondering whether to bring it up, and how I could do so without making drama. Is it worth the potential discord? I could have chosen to ignore the pings until later… seems rude to do that when I know he’s home recovering from surgery and could need help. I feel a bit trapped between circumstances and manners.

…He sets boundaries so easily. Why is it so hard for me…?

I breathe, exhale, and relax, and work on getting back to me, after our conversation ends. This quiet time, meditating, reflecting, writing, and walking, is very much part of how I care for myself and maintain my emotional wellness, and build resilience. It has become comfortably routine, and almost “non-negotiable”. Yesterday’s lack of a walk ended up being something I felt all day.

Daybreak comes, and an opportunity to begin again.

I sigh to myself as I lace up my boots. No colorful sunrise this morning, I guess. The sky is cloudy, and hues of blue and gray. The air is mild and scented with meadow grasses and wildflowers, a very particular fragrance both spicy and sweetly floral. I enjoy it. It reminds me of Oregon, which doesn’t surprise me; that’s where I am.

… I head down the trail, intending to finish this at the halfway point…

I get to a nice spot to sit for a little while. It’s a quiet morning and I have the trail all to myself – a pleasant luxury, and rare on a Saturday, even so early. My neck aches ferociously, and my headache is an 11 on a 1-10 scale this morning. I am grateful to have an appointment with a skilled practitioner later this morning. I’d like to enjoy the day without being in this much pain. It’s very distracting. It pulls my focus away from these words and this world again and again. Most unpleasant.

I thought I had something of more substance to write about this morning. It had begun to take shape as I drove to this place, but distractions and conversation with my Traveling Partner caused my thoughts to unravel too quickly to capture even a loose idea of what was on my mind at the time. No matter; I began again. I tend to “write where I am”. Whether that perspective is geographical, metaphysical, or emotional isn’t all that important. In any case, it is the moment I find myself in.

I sit awhile with my thoughts, not writing, and without any particular direction or theme. Pain sucks. I have difficulty recalling a time when I was living pain free more days than not… How long ago…?  I think I would have to measure in decades. The arthritis in my spine set in sometime in my mid-twenties. It’s been with me awhile – much longer than my headache. I distractedly rub my irritated neck. 9 or 10 years for the neck, I think… Fuck pain. G’damn there’s too much of that in the world. I snarl quietly to myself and yield to the demands of my pain, and take an Rx pain reliever earlier than I usually do. I glare at the cloudy sky thinking it’s likely the weather making the pain worse somehow. I laugh at the thought; it sounds stupidly primitive and superstitious, and not very rational. What do I know about it? I’m just a fucking human primate trying to cope with my pain any way I safely can.

I hear voices up the trail. By the time I get back to the car, it’ll be time to head to the city for my appointment. I think about my Traveling Partner, and remind myself to stop by the pharmacy for his prescriptions on my way home. I feel like I am forgetting something, but I don’t know what. I’d love to spend the day painting, but I don’t see that happening today… I hurt, and I’d just as soon go back to bed.  “Fuck pain.” I say out loud to myself. I don’t want to give in to it. There’s so much I’d like to do.

I get to my feet, and stretch, and rest my weight on my cane for a moment, making certain I’ve “got my feet under me” before I head back up the trail. It’s already time to begin again.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, anger, art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words

The Ringing in My Ears

September 13, 2024 //
0

I only woke once during the night. The house was quiet. Quieter than it has been, and even through my tinnitus I could tell. Yesterday my Traveling Partner identified a peculiar ringing noise, something like a finger going around the rim of a crystal glass or something similarly annoying, and turned off the source. Apparently the feeling of relief was immediate – I definitely experienced that myself, when I returned home later in the day. We wondered together how much additional background stress that noise was creating in the household…?

The night was quiet. My sleep was more restful. I still woke in the morning with my tinnitus screeching and whining away in my ears, but that peculiar ringing is not part of it. Win. I woke in pain. Arthritis. It’s not any sort of unexpected surprise, it just sucks; the weather is beginning to turn towards autumn and there will likely be more days of worse-than-summertime pain ahead. That’s just real. It’s part of my experience, and I’m not really even intending to bitch about it, it’s just an observation of how things are today. I sigh, and wait for the sun; a walk will help.

Daybreak just ahead.

My Traveling Partner pings me. It’s barely daybreak, and I’m surprised he is up. He shares his irritation at being unable to rest, sounding frustrated and annoyed. I don’t even want to deal with any of that, although I feel for him and wish he were having a more pleasant experience. I give up on my walk, start the car and head back to the house; it’s early enough to grab my laptop and head into the office to work, which will give him the day in peace. Hopefully he finds the rest and quiet time he needs. I walk away from our brief interaction at the house feeling annoyed with his negativity and stress, and being in pain myself, I start the drive to the office in a pretty savage mood. Unpleasant. I also spend the drive working on letting that bullshit go. I’m not the one who woke up feeling disturbed, distressed, and unable to rest. Not my experience. I’m the partner who had a solution ready-to-go and implemented it promptly without argument or drama. I’m okay with that role, and missing one walk of many is not such a big deal, really.

…I missed the sunrise, and I feel that in a particularly poignant way, which surprised me just a little. We are mortal creatures, and there’s no knowing how many sunrises may remain. I give myself room to have those feelings and respect them, and take time to feel grateful to have seen so many…

The drive to the office is calm, with very little traffic. I spend it more than a little bit “in my own head”, and arrive, park, and set up my day with an efficiency that highlights how much emotional resilience can matter. Worth the time spent practicing, surely. (And we become what we practice.) I breathe. Exhale. Relax. I’ve got the day ahead of me now, and I take a moment to write, and reflect, and savor the pleasant early start to the day; I don’t bother with the brief moment of disappointment over missing out on my walk, other than a gentle reminder to myself that it was a choice, and I could have chosen differently. I made the choice I did out of affectionate regard and loving concern for my Traveling Partner and his needs, on a day when I could easily do so. This is hardly a “sacrifice” worth any measure of sorrow. It simply reflects a mature and loving partnership.

So. Here I am with my tinnitus and my pain, an entire new day ahead of me. Seems like a good opportunity to begin again. 😀

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Cosmic Joke

September 10, 2024 //
0

I may be losing my hearing. I’m also still very “sound sensitive”. This seems like an incredibly cruel prank, and it’s hard to find the humor in it…but…I’m betting it’s there, somewhere, because this shit is too stupid, annoying, and also all too fucking real to be tragic, and I’m sick of it already. Irrelevant to the present moment, aside from the high-pitched whine and “static” in my ears all the time. (It seems much louder than it once was.) My Traveling Partner reminded me recently that it could be a byproduct of one or more of the medications I take. That’s it’s own annoying thing.

This morning is fine, though. I sigh and let go of my annoyance over the tinnitus and breathe. I woke on time, thought about resetting my alarm and sleeping longer, but wakefulness overtook me as quickly as the thought formed. The mild fever (probably caused by one of the vaccines I got on Sunday) that sent me to bed so early yesterday seemed to have broken during the second half of the night, sometime. I woke damp with sweat but feeling generally okay. It’s a new day.

Waiting for the sun.

New morning. New day. New opportunity to begin again. I breathe, exhale, and relax. The hint of chill in the air suggests a warm fleece and I am grateful to have left mine in the car. I put it on and feel more comfortable. I sit with my thoughts, waiting on the sunrise. Short walk today, maybe. I consider my energy level and the likely demands of the workday ahead. It was a good choice to take yesterday off. I definitely needed the rest.

I sit for a moment, quietly, wondering what I need today?

I take my morning meds, and sip my coffee. Cosmic jokes aside, it’s an ordinary day, likely to be filled with ordinary moments. I think about dinner, later… Can I reserve enough energy to cook a proper meal? I’d very much like to. There are so many careful choices to make between now and then, if that’s to be a thing. (When did it become so complicated?)

I breathe, exhale, and relax. Daybreak comes and I can see the trail sufficiently well to walk it (at least along the edge of the meadow and the vineyard), by the time I get to the denser trees along the creek bank, it’ll be past sunrise. I chuckle to myself; none of this requires planning or additional thought, this is a familiar trail, and a familiar experience. I only need to do the verbs. I change from my soft shoes to my boots and prepare to begin again.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Practices, solo hiking, Summer, The Art of Being
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »