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Feeling Good

October 31, 2024 //
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I slept last night. I woke this morning feeling pretty good, in spite of my headache, and my arthritis (which are becoming generally non-negotiable elements of my day-to-day experience). I moved through my morning routine pretty efficiently and quietly. I took my morning medications on time without a mishap, and the rain stopped just as I got to the trailhead. Seems like a pretty good morning so far.

Yesterday wasn’t all that bad, once I got past the morning, though I had considerable difficulty staying focused on work after my Traveling Partner pinged me good morning. I would have preferred to spend the day idly conversing with him, intimate and connected. The evening, after work, was relaxed and genial. We talked and shared the time contentedly. Dinner wasn’t fancy, pretty low effort but still a tasty home-cooked hot meal. I got some basic housekeeping chores handled. We communicated easily with each other, no stress, no drama, in spite of my fatigue. It was a great time all around.

I sit with my coffee and a smile in the pre-dawn darkness, a small circle of light cast by my headlamp, set to my side on this bench, to reduce the glare while I write and reflect. I turn it off to meditate, enjoying the diffuse light of town and street lights reflected back by the cloudy sky. It’s dark, for many values of darkness, but my eyes adjust quickly and I could probably walk the trail in the dimness without my headlamp if I chose to. It’s just easier with a bit of light. I smile at the implied metaphor and let my thoughts move on.

My Traveling Partner admitted yesterday that he hasn’t been reading my blog for awhile, caught up in his own experience. I didn’t feel hurt by that, and I even understand. It does tend to explain how misaligned we’ve sometimes felt, though; he has lacked a ton of explicit knowledge of my day-to-day experience, because rather than “repeat myself”, I’ve left things unsaid that I wrote about. That was a poor choice on my part, and we’ve paid for it in frequent misunderstandings and miscommunication. Well, shit. Now I know. I’m not even annoyed; the fault is mine. I made an assumption and didn’t check in on that. Ideally, I’d have been “using my words” and trusting my beloved to alert me if he was already aware of some detail.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a good morning so far. I hope the day ahead is as pleasant. I’ve got work, and a couple things to get done to care for my partner and our home. I’m looking forward to working from home today and enjoying lunch together. I feel… good. It’s nice. It’s enough.

I look at the sky. Daybreak hasn’t come yet. It will, though, and the clock is ticking. It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5

When Practice Has to Pay Off

October 30, 2024 //
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So far pretty nearly everything this morning has gone at least a little bit wrong, starting with the restless night of poor quality sleep that preceded the start of the day. Realistically, I know to expect some days will be like this, and this one is certainly one of those.

I woke up on time, and even remembered the errand my Traveling Partner asked me to handle before I went to the office (getting the mail), while kindly expressing reservations about asking me to do more, out of concern for my fatigue and the amount of pain I’ve been in day-to-day. That was a pretty good start, and I would leave it there and overlook the smaller stuff (I tried), but as shit started going wrong, it got harder…

… I’d failed to lay out clothes for the work day and stumbled through my morning routine self-conscious about the noise I was obviously making…

… I spilled iced tea all over the floor while setting up my partner’s morning beverages…

…as I was picking up the mail, i dropped it into the street as I returned to the car and then shut my hand in the car door while trying to put my seatbelt on, to return the mail to the house…

… the coffee place I prefer (lowest price, best black coffee) was closed – the opening barista never showed up…

… the backup coffee stand was slow, and the coffee is pretty awful…

… traffic was bad and I got stuck behind a line of cars all stuck behind a truck going 40 mph on the highway during the commuter “rush”…

…I got to the trailhead too late to get a walk in at all (or write)…

… my medication alarm went off as I prepared to give up on my routine altogether, startling me, and my shaking hands fumbled my pillbox, tossing my entire day’s meds all over the floor of the car, much of which I never did find at all…

The drive to the office was thankfully entirely uneventful in every way. I’m not sure I could have endured another misstep this morning!

A less than ideal start to the day, for sure, and I’m “still dealing with it”, like ripples on a pond after throwing a rock into still water. I breathe, exhale, and relax. The office is quiet – and also uncomfortably cold. G’damn, what is with this day?? I sigh, and think of my Traveling Partner’s voice, saying “I’m worried about you. I depend on you. Slow down. Take care of you.” He’d be right to suggest that I slow down, although I don’t feel any sense of moving quickly, it surely couldn’t hurt to slow down and be measured and considerate with my movements, decisions, and even my thoughts.

I take the time to make a pour-over in the office break kitchen – a properly good cup of coffee will help, just by being a comforting ritual, and a pleasant moment. I remind myself, for perspective, that there will be other sunrises, other walks, and more pleasant easier other mornings – no need to take this one so personally. It definitely isn’t personal, just circumstances. Another breath, and a renewed commitment to non-attachment is also helpful. I make time to meditate, and let the morning’s aggravation fall away. It’s behind me now. I can begin again. It’s so easy to burn through limited emotional resilience in a few minutes of aggravation over small shit – and it can be challenging to restore what has been lost, but it’s for sure not impossible. I slow down, slower, and let myself have a few minutes to write and reflect and gain perspective. I breathe, exhale, and relax – and repeat as needed. I make a point to notice that I arrived at the office very much “on time” in every sense of the word, and in theory this puts the whole day back on track, aside from the spilled pills.

…No use crying over spilled milk pills…

I smile, and feel some of my tension dissolve; I’ve got a small assortment of “back up meds” that I keep in the office, mostly to ensure I don’t miss them if I forget to grab the day’s medication on my way out of the house some morning. Part of coping with a brain injury is an assortment of “tactical practices” that anticipate common challenges. My results vary – but I’m familiar with my most common “fail points”, and it’s a small thing to plan ahead for such occurences, so I do. (I mean, I try; my results vary.) My sense of “timing” still feels a little off, and somehow this cup of coffee tastes vaguely like curry (which is super weird, but fortunately I don’t find that to be an unpleasant flavor). I’m okay for most values of “okay”, and restarting the day feels within reach.

…So I do that…

It’s a new day. There are no bombs dropping on my town. There are no wildfires burning nearby. The autumn weather is relatively mild and rather pleasant. My pain seems to be at a relatively ordinary and rather manageable level today. I missed my walk, sure, but the sun will rise shortly, and the office is in a safe neighborhood; I can walk over my lunch break. I have a good sense of what I need to get done today at work, and that feels manageable, too. I make some oatmeal, sip my weird coffee, and begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, War and News of War

Reflections

October 22, 2024 //
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I’ve always liked my appearance seen as a reflection in a window. I don’t know why this is, somehow it just seems to be “the best view” of myself, a little diluted, a little less specific somehow, softened a bit… less “real”. I almost always find myself quite beautiful as a reflection in a window. I don’t see myself quite that way in a mirror, or a photograph. Peculiar. Today is no different. I see my reflection and marvel at that woman, there, seen as if through the trees beyond the window, somehow younger than my years, and no hint of the tears in my eyes, or on my face.

…Crying in my office, again? What is this, the 00s??

Things seem harder than necessary lately. By “lately”, I mean most of the last year, honestly. It comes and goes. It’s been the worst since late February, since my Dear Friend died. Yeah, okay, so – grieving is hard. We don’t control how that goes, it just goes. I’m learning more about actual loneliness than I ever imagined I could. I wasn’t particularly prone to feelings of loneliness, before. I’m so very very prone to them now. With my Traveling Partner having the challenges he is, and the one woman I’d have felt free to discuss it with, without reservations, simply… gone… I feel so incredibly alone, now. I chastise myself for a moment; I could have done a better job of maintaining other cherished friendships and preserving more closeness with more dear friends than I have. I enjoy my solitude, and I’ve taken too much for granted. I still enjoy my solitude…but when I need someone, I’m often going to find myself going it alone nonetheless. Often. I’m not bitching – it’s not a bad life, and things could be so much worse. I’m just feeling my years, and feeling lonely as I face inevitable mortality, seeing some vague younger version of me reflected in a window, and wondering what the point of any of this actually is… yeesh. Grim. I ache with it. And also just with pain, physical pain. Fucking hell that just blows. Fuck pain.

…Oh, right… I maxed out all my pain management medication yesterday and here I am today, managing on less, and not hurting quite so much, but… now my mind is altered, and I’m feeling very blue, partly because I did so much yesterday to attempt to manage yesterday’s pain, and I’m paying the price emotionally, now. So… am I actually feeling “lonely”, or is this just “the down” from opiate pain management? Fuck. This shit is complicated. I simultaneously want very much to simply be entirely alone with this crap, and also very much miss someone to talk to about it – and about life, and how difficult some of this very human crap very much is. Too real. Fuck pain. Fuck drama. Fuck this particular moment, right here.

I put my head down on my desk and cry for awhile. This too will pass. Feelings are feelings, only that. Emotional weather. Small frustrations pile on top of other small frustrations and assorted inconveniences; it feels like a big pile. Heavy. Tears flow after other tears. Moments follow other moments. The clock is ticking. Eventually tears dry. Eventually, I can begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anhedonia, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Despair, forgiveness, Frustration, grief, health, loneliness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships

Instant Pudding

October 12, 2024 //
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I’m sitting quietly at the trailhead, waiting for the sun. The car parked behind me is rather annoyingly playing their radio loud. Talk radio. Super annoying. I mean, I sure don’t care that they’re passing the time listening to their radio, but for real? Turn that crap down so no one else has to listen. I’m not here for that.

I sigh quietly and think about what it takes to “find peace”. It isn’t really a “finding”, is it? It’s more of a creating, building, and sustaining. There are verbs involved, rather a lot of them. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I focus on me, and this quiet moment. I listen to the passing cars on the highway. I chuckle when I think about “instant pudding” as an analogy. The point being that it isn’t actually “instant”, at all – just pretty quick, and relatively easy. (It’s also not very good.) I sit with that thought awhile.

My thoughts wander to my Traveling Partner, and I wonder if he finally managed to get some good sleep? He’s been progressively reducing the dosage on medications he’s working on discontinuing, and the process sometimes leaves him restless, cross, or unable to rest (or all of those things together). What a shitty experience! Night after restless night… I often wake briefly when he wakes, but last night the only thing waking me was myself, when I changed positions and inadvertently wrapped my CPAP hose around myself awkwardly.

The first hint of daybreak begins to light the edge of the eastern horizon; a new day. I sigh contentedly and, grateful to move away from the noise of the parked car behind me, I drive through the now-open gate, up the hill and park there instead. Time to swap soft shoes for supportive boots, and grab my cane. My knees have been giving me grief recently, and my ankle aches with every step more often than not. I don’t risk the walk without the cane these days. I’m still walking, though, and I am grateful.

I think of the powerful lesson of my late Dear Friend’s example; walking can prove to be a regretfully “use it or lose it” sort of thing, and over time, she lost her ability to walk with any ease, which discouraged her and caused her to walk less (and shorter distances), which caused the situation to worsen. That’s an oversimplification, and surely there’s more to it than that. Aging. Injury. Illness. Nonetheless, I think of her often, and our conversations about the lasting value of “staying on my feet”, and the very real risk if I were to stop walking. I keep walking, in spite of pain.

I lace up my boots, sighing and resenting the pain I’m in, as I stare at the smudgy beginning of this morning’s sunrise. I “turn my head wrong” and my headache reminds me rather quickly how rarely it’s not there. Fuck this headache. I’m grateful that I have an appointment for some care of my neck, later this morning. I know it helps.

I think about my Traveling Partner again, and hope that he’s sleeping. No good morning ping, yet. Rare for this time of morning, recently, and it seems an encouraging sign… but it could just mean he’s awake and grumpy as fuck and just not wanting to interact at all. Maybe he’s up, but only long enough to take medication before going back to bed? I wonder, and the wondering serves as an excuse to think longer about my beloved, though I don’t really need an excuse.

I sigh and stretch and look towards the horizon. It’s definitely time to begin again.

Hello sunrise. Hello new beginning.
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Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being

Don’t Be Complacent

October 11, 2024 //
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25 days to the US presidential election, and this one matters so much it’s more than a little nerve-wracking. I find myself weirdly irked, day after day, by the media coverage seeking to persuade, reveal, discourage, manipulate, and engage consumers (and voters) – and sometimes not for the superficial reasons that seem most obvious. Sometimes it’s just about getting eyeballs on those ads. It’s annoying. Still… this really matters. This election matters possibly more than any other in my lifetime. We’re choosing between a party increasingly defined (in my opinion) by fascism, misogyny, and fraud, and a party that seems to intend to truly do an effective (and bipartisan) job of governing the nation for everyone living within its borders (which a puzzling number of people don’t appear to support?).

I don’t think making an attempt to convince you that voting for frank rampant grift and lies is a mistake will be helpful (or successful). I expect you should already be able to discern that as a voting-age adult. If you can’t, I probably don’t want to talk to you at all, honestly. I find it really distressing to be face-to-face with that kind of disturbing lack of understanding of how terrible the outcomes are for so many people when we put rapists/wanna-be dictators in the Oval Office. Please vote, though? Cast your official opinion at the ballot box, and let’s hope for the best for America’s daughters and sons in the years ahead.

…For fucks’ sake, do not take it for granted that “the good guys will win” – it’s not a given! Please don’t yield to ennui and shrug off this election as “it doesn’t matter anyway” – it truly does matter. Your voice needs to be heard at the ballot box. (Social media is loud, but that’s not where you go to vote.) Please check today whether you are registered to vote. Get registered if you are not registered now. Find out today where your closest location to cast your ballot will be, if you are limited to in-person voting in your state. If you’re going to need to take time off to cast your vote, request it now. Don’t let anything stop you from making this vote! It really does matter that much.

It’s very much a shame that our elections have grown so tainted with cynicism and undermined by profit-chasing, and personal-gain-seeking. We have a chance to change that every time we vote. Vote for people who legitimately care about ethical governance. Vote for people of good character. Vote for people who are the most likely to do the most good for the greatest number of human beings. Stop voting for treasonous assholes whose favorite arguments are based on lies, name-calling, and insults. Stop voting for people who are bought and paid for by foreign powers. Stop voting for hucksters shilling the next shiny object that is going to fatten their bank accounts – and the bank accounts of billionaires – while leaving you broke and wondering how to pay the rent. Vote for the politician that has a record of honesty, of fairness, and of documented concern for real-world issues that affect real people (even real people who are not you). Just… do your best. Do it because it matters. Do it in a way that shows you understand how much it does matter.

Stop being sucked in by media hype and marketing buzzwords. Stop being bamboozled by the latest bullshit conspiracy. Think critically. This election could change the world – make your vote in favor of truly changing the world for the better.

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Categories 2024 Election, Free Will, Logic & Reason, more than a little bit of bitching, Practices, War and News of War
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