Good morning, and hello, to Readers in Beaverton and Portland (Oregon), Dallas (Texas), Seattle (Washington), Toronto (Canada), Zhengzhou and Shanghai (China), New York City (New York), Lawrenceville (Georgia), and Lincoln (Nebraska) – where, apparently, most of y’all live. Welcome – and thank you. I like taking a look at the data on this blog now and then – figured I’d make a point of thanking you for being here (seems polite), and also pointing out that this amount of data does exist, and is being collected, most places. Choose your privacy settings with care, my friends.
I watched an interesting (for many values of “interesting”) and somewhat disturbing (eye-opening? informative?) video last night with thought-provoking title “End of Capitalism“. Absolutely relevant to current events, certainly worth watching, but rather disappointingly ending with a sponsorship for a service I find troubling, for reasons of its own – and there’s a useful video about that, here (or you could just read “Manufacturing Consent” with is disturbingly relevant right now). Both worth watching, both potentially distressing if you care about the future success of humanity. It’s not my role to tell you what to think, what to do, or how to live your life – but, it may be time to reconsider subscription services that feel convenient vs real things you can hold in your hand and truly own? You are worth more than your data, and your attention span – and if those things have so much value in this modern world, perhaps we should be directly compensated for them?
…Just thoughts over coffee, words on a page…
I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a new day, there are new choices ahead of me, new things to do and see and experience. There are verbs involved. I am making my own way, walking my own path. I don’t know what the future holds – and I don’t need it to be “fancy” or luxurious. I’m quite content with “enough”. I think about that for awhile. What really is “enough” (for me, personally)?
I sip my coffee and reflect with gratitude on “basics” like reliably potable drinking water, hot water at the tap, indoor plumbing, dishwashers, washing machines, and all manner of conveniences that it is so easy to take for granted – these things are not a given everywhere in the world (not even in every American household). I’m fortunate. No, there’s no “Lambo” in my garage. I don’t need one (don’t want one). There are no diamonds on my fingers (again, a frivolity I don’t need). I’ve got what I need day-to-day, though, and I can fill my gas tank when it’s empty, and count on groceries. It hasn’t always been that way. I’ve had times of struggle, scrounging in couch cushions and under the seats of the car hoping to find enough change to put a couple dollars of gasoline in the gas tank to get to work another day or two, wondering if I’d get to the next payday, and whether the rent check would clear. As I said, I’m fortunate to be where I am. Bills paid, pantry stocked, tank filled. I’m not bragging – I’m relieved, and grateful, to be where I am. There’s no guarantee I’ll be here, always. I make time in my morning for the gratitude. It’s a good way to begin the day.
I’ve got a doctor’s appointment today, then work, then home, then… life. It’s all part of living life, isn’t it? The working. The coping. The getting shit done. I remind myself to also practice good self-care, and to find time to take it easy now and then. This isn’t a sprint – it’s an endurance race without a finish line.
There’s no escaping “stupid” – it’s going to catch up with you, and you’re going to be that stupid person, at least now and then (I know this from experience). No exceptions. No escape. Stupid isn’t really about being “unintelligent” or “uneducated” or any particular cognitive difference or difficulty. So… What is “stupid” and why do I see it the way I do?
Stop assuming you know every-fucking-thing. You just don’t. I 100% promise you that this is true; you do not know everything, about anything. There is too much to know. However smart you think you are, you are less smart than that. (Before you smugly assume I’m talking to that person over there that you think should find this relevant? I’m talking to you. Work on you. Let them work on them. I’ll work on me. If we’re all working on minimizing our own risk of stupidity, we may actually get somewhere.)
…So…
What can save you (or me, or anyone) from stupidity? It’s a good question, and I may have a helpful thought on that, though I hesitate to call it “the answer” (or even “an answer”). Curiosity. Curiosity, observation, and an openness to a “growth mindset” is a good path to avoiding the pitfalls of stupidity. (Assumptions are a shortcut directly to maxing out your stupidity.) There’s an article about that here, from the Harvard Business School. It has a handy graphic in it:
Seriously. Don’t add to the stupid people in the world – there are already way too many. Sooner or later, stupid will catch up to you now and then, but for fucks’ sake don’t chase it. Pursue a growth mindset. Be a student of life – yes, and even in your own “area of expertise” whatever that may be. I promise you there is always more to learn. Stupid people are supremely annoying to have to deal with. Try not to be one of those.
Why am I writing about this today? Well… because there are a surplus of stupid people doing stupid things, and we’re all very much at risk right now of having front row seats to the decline of civilization as a direct result of stupid people being given actual power. Quite terrifying, really, and I kind of hope that maybe by saying it out loud, someone will think about it with some measure of care and do the needful to reduce their own stupidity, thereby improving humanity’s chance of survival in some small way… (wishful thinking probalby; if you’re stupid you won’t think any of this applies to you, however much it may).
So… are you ready to begin again? Ready to face your next challenge with curiosity, a growth mindset, prepared to learn, and willing to listen? It’s time to take that next step forward… the clock is ticking.
I’m sipping my coffee and thinking about the future. I wonder what it holds? I mean, besides uncertainty… It’s not yet written. I’m making it right now (so are you) with every choice, every action, and my participation in any circumstance in which I may be involved (and perhaps some in which I am not directly involved at all). The future is… complicated. We can’t see what is on the path ahead, but we keep right on walking toward the next bend. We have to; the journey is the the destination. Even standing still (metaphorically) doesn’t halt our forward progress through time. The clock is always ticking.
I’m 97 days away from my next birthday. There were years in my life when I could not imagine being in this place, or having come this far. I couldn’t even begin to plan for a future I felt fairly certain (at some points) that I would not live to see. I did a pretty shitty job of being prepared for this place in life… older. Aging. Feeling my capabilities descreasing as my wisdom and joy in life increase. Wanting to retire but needing to continue working. “Complicated” doesn’t begin to explain it in any simply way, it merely obscures the nuances of the truth. I’m not even complaining – I’m just thinking about it and feeling rather mortal. My time is finite. I wonder how much I have left? Would I choose to “live forever” if I could? I think I might, actually, yeah – even as unprepared for that as I am. I rather enjoy living this life, and seeing each sunrise. I’m definitely not bored with it, and there is so much more to learn and do and see and experience.
I’m not feeling discontented this morning. I’m not even in much pain – quite manageable, and I’m grateful for that. I got a good night’s rest, after a rather trying day yesterday, and I’m feeling fairly relaxed and on the edge of feeling actually… merry. Joyful. Grateful. Almost… happy. But I still wonder how many grains of sand remain in the hourglass… and what lies beyond?
There are things to do – I have a list – and I’m looking forward to most of them. The weather has been tempting me out into the garden, and it’s a lovely way to occupy my time productively, and happily. I smile when I think about my childhood resentment of having to spend time on my hands and knees weeding the garden, or preparing the soil, or moving things from here to there to help out in a garden I had no particular fondness for. I think I was only about 19 when my perspective on that changed. Certainly by the time I was 22, I was eager to create and nurture a garden of my own. I remember my very first roses fondly (Mr Lincoln, and Olympiad, which were part of the landscape of a little house in Texas I’d moved into). They changed my mind about roses, and I’ve grown roses ever since. Isn’t it strange how our perspective can change over time? How what matters most evolves over a lifetime of experience?
Roses on a sunny day. Impermanent. Like moments.
Beyond the garden, my to-do list is all practical things, part of taking care of hearth and home. I’m yearning to paint, but there are things that come first as priorities. I’m hoping perhaps to make a trip to the coast over the vernal equinox, to relax for a few days and paint, and get some solo time…but… there are costs to consider, and I’d very much like to avoid “Spring break” crowds (just not my thing, too much noise and chaos). I frown at my calendar… when is Spring break, anyway? I feel almost relieved to see that Spring break is the week following the equinox…but… can I make it work? I sigh to myself. I can remember being less “responsible”, but while that seemed to be “more fun” in some ways, it was a rocky path and one that I don’t care to walk these days. I’d rather plan with care, and choose wisely, and work within the limitations of my resources in a practical way. Less stress. Weather permitting, I’m pretty comfortably equipped for plein air painting, and there are some lovely spots for it locally. I could just take the time, stay fairly close to home, and make day trips to see things from a new perspective, paint awhile, and return home. I sit with that thought and sip my coffee as the sun rises. It starts to sound like a real adventure of a sort I rarely indulge. My mind wanders the map in my head of places I could go, handy picnic tables with pleasing views… will the weather cooperate?
I sit awhile longer with my thoughts. Soon enough it will be time to begin again.
“What the hell? They’re demanding workers return to the office, but they’re closing offices? That doesn’t make any damned sense…” No, no it doesn’t make sense.
“No one has ever heard of Lesotho”, said the President of the United States (an individual who claims to have a college education). He wants to close the Department of Education. None of that makes any sense.
“We’re going to cut 15% of the VA workforce.” Um… the VA is known to be chronically understaffed, to the point of putting veteran healthcare at risk. This doesn’t make any sense.
These are just samples from today’s news. I’m sorry – I am going somewhere with this, so I wanted to get started with some “crazy world” samples. If you need an intellectual “palate cleanser”, I recommend this outstanding opposition rebuttal speech by Elissa Slotkin, from the night of the (absolutely batshit crazy, error-riddled) President’s address to Congress. (Senator Slotkin’s speech is definitely worth a read – it gives me hope.) I don’t prefer to go on about politics; we each have our own opinions, some well-informed, some less so, all based on what we each understand about the world, and our own personal values. I’m not here to argue those points with you, I just want to take a minute to address the stress, and the feeling that the world has gone crazy around us, and maybe offer up some practices for maintaining our own individual sanity in the face of it. So, let’s do that, eh?
One practice I’m pretty committed to, that does help me manage my background stress is to avoid “doomscrolling” the news media – any source, any platform, any talking head (favored or not). It gets ridiculously repetitive, and is often explicitly intentionally crafted to drive our emotions – to get clicks and views. “Engagement” is the point. Profit. This is how news organizations make money; by grabbing and holding on to our attention. That doesn’thappen to be good for us, though, so… I avoid it. Just skip it. I get enough news filtered through work conversations, and “did you hear…?” remarks from acquaintances, family members, and friends. About twice a week I skim the headlines, once over quickly – and I find that generally this is enough to give me the factual points. I don’t read articles that use “clickbait” headlines at all; I have to assume what they have to say (and their reason for saying it) is either dishonest, or not factual, or they would just say it. I haven’t noticed that this strategy deprives me of any timely awareness of current events, and it definitely reduces my stress, generally.
I am, however, quite human, and sometimes I still get “sucked into the crazy bullshit”…
Roses don’t mind the rain.
So, another practice I use to manage my stress in this crazy world is to spend time really present and engaged with real life events and circumstances right here at home, with real people who matter to me, and that are nothing at all to do with whatever nonsense is going on in Washington, D.C. right now. The world could begin to burn down around me, but I enjoy a quiet ordinary life in a quiet ordinary suburb in a quiet ordinary small town tucked between agriculture and industry. I have a garden to tend. There’s housekeeping to keep caught up. The weather has been quite mild. My Traveling Partner “has my back” and loves me deeply (and I feel the same about him). There’s dinner later to consider. There’s blue sky beyond the windows of the office, today. Life. My life. You have this powerful advantage too; the opportunity to anchor your emotional stability and your sanity to the humdrum ordinary details of the life you live and the choices you make for yourself. That’s more powerful than we tend to realize, when we’re faced with the craziness of the world beyond our own life and the moments in it. Getting mired in the stress and fear and worry of craziness beyond our lives that we can neither contain nor control is a shortcut to madness – I know this first hand. My PTSD griefs me with it, when I fail to provide myself with adequate self-care, or fall short of maintaining healthy practices for managing my own chaos and damage. That’s just real.
Once we choose our path, we’ve still got to walk it. The journey is the destination. 🙂
We’re so human. This shit is hard, because crazy is scary. We know some of what we’re seeing go on in the world if fucking wrong and terrible – and yet it is going on. What can we do about it? Sometimes… nothing. Sometimes the most important and powerful things we can do about it are to walk our own path, provide ourselves with good self-care, speak truth to power fearlessly (and call the ridiculous shit out for being as ridiculous as it is), and be kind to the people around us who are hurting. The will to action withers when we don’t take care of ourselves and maintain our individual good emotional health. It’s hard to have the energy (or feel like it matters) to write the President directly by snail mail an actual letter that says “what the fuck??” and “this is what I expect and want from my government” – but if 100% of each and every citizen did so, it would be an avalanche of civil action, of protest, of involvement, and might actually change something. I think about that often. Taking action needs me to maintain my own sanity, though, doesn’t it?
I’ve gotten distracted by the crazy, once again, it’s out there lurking, waiting to sneak up on the unwary. Breathe, exhale, relax – bring the focus to here, to now, to this moment that you’re in. Whatever it is, it matters more to you right now than the actions of a distant madman and his cohort of corrupt billionaires. Just saying – finding what matters most to you, right now, has real value. For me? Right now? It happens to be this bit of writing. This cup of coffee. This quiet moment for myself carved out of a busy day. It’s enough. I’m worth a moment of my own time. (You’re worth a moment of my time, too, and thank you for being here with me.)
I look up from my laptop, across the quiet co-work space (so orderly, so calm, so empty). It’s still just me, and it’s quite early in the morning. I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a good time for a few minutes of meditation – another useful practice. I have a favorite spot for it, here, that is reliably comfortable and quiet. I have it on my calendar so I can be sure not to miss the opportunity. Even something as small as 10 minutes of meditation does a lot to build and maintain my emotional resilience. There are verbs involved; it’s quite necessary to do it, not just observe that it is a good practice. lol That’s the way of practices, generally – doing them is the key to success. “Practice” is a verb. It’s also an ongoing thing – a step on path, on a journey that does not end. The journey is the destination.
And that brings me to another approach to maintaining sanity when the world is going crazy; perspective. Observation, and experience, and the awareness that however bad it seems, this too will pass. I’m not saying that complacence is a wise approach (it is not), just that we can pretty reliably be certain of one thing – change is. The madman in power now is as mortal as anyone else. Change will come. Be part of the change you wish to see – and doing so by living your truth, your values, and staying on your own path. Be the person you most want to be. By doing so, and maintaining a sense of perspective, the contrast between you and the crazy in the world becomes clearer. You stand within your moment less affected by the crazy in the world, and more able to sustain yourself through to the next season of change.
It’s hard to go wrong with good basics…
It’s not perfect as strategies go, I know. I’d love to have a real cure, a solution, a reliable durable fix to what our world is going through right now. I only have this; my certainty that I’m okay right now, for most values of “okay”, and that it is (mostly) enough. If I can maintain my own sanity, I can be part of what is sane. Should work for you too, with practice. It’s something. It may not change the world, but it can be a small part of making things right in little ways. That’s definitely something. I’ll gladly take something over nothing – wouldn’t you?
I sigh quietly, and finish my coffee. It’s time to begin. Again.
I slept somewhat poorly last night, restless with pain mostly. My dreams were filled with chaos and uncertainty, and the occasional random spider. Odd. I woke in the usual way, dressed and left the house, head still full of chaos. My thoughts as I drove up the highway reflected the restlessness of the night and the chaos in my head; I reflected philosophically on a variety of seemingly unrelated ideas, the only connecting thread being my own individual perspective, as I exist today. Useful? Hardly. Barely interesting, already forgotten.
I get to work, in less pain than yesterday but still feeling it as a distraction. I take my meds, get some coffee. I sigh and get things set up for the day. It’s a routine work day and I’m grateful to be working…but…
…Fucking hell life is expensive, and “enough” doesn’t always feel like “enough”. I say this acutely aware that I write from a place of relative privilege. Things could be better, yeah, but they could sure be a lot fucking worse. (And have been, in past eras of my life). My pain grates on my nerves – but so does my feeling of discontent and stress over the future. (Will I ever retire? It doesn’t seem at all likely at this point, until lack of fitness for such endeavors forces me out of the workforce to exist on whatever resources remain. A grim thought, and I try not to linger in this place.)
I breathe, exhale, and relax. Some days it is a force of will to be in a positive frame of mind. This doesn’t mean inauthentically silently screaming positive aphorisms to myself in my head or forcing a smile to the people around me while I proclaim that “everything is fine” – that doesn’t work. “Fake it till you make it” is not my way; I haven’t found success there, myself. Instead, I rely on practicing gratitude – legitimate, heartfelt appreciation for the things that are working, the things that feel good, that things I have, or do, or feel, that truly lift me up. There’s a lot to be grateful for, and generally the very temporary feelings of stress and discontent will pass if I don’t dig in and build myself a trap to fall into. So, here I am. I “feel around in my headspace” looking for a route to reclaiming my sense of self, my perspective, my feeling of being empowered… I remember I playlist I started once-upon-a-time that might be helpful right now… “No F*cks“. Hmmm… Pretty short playlist. I distract myself wondering what to add that fits the theme. I have definitely found that a “positive distraction” can help shift my mood from the dark places my thoughts sometimes wander.
“Anxiety” 10″ x 14″ acrylic on canvas w/ceramic 2011
I breathe, exhale, and relax. I catch myself wondering about the background stress and the thread of anxiety running through my thoughts. What’s up with me? Is it work? Is it life? Is it my doctor’s appointment later today? Oh. Yeah, that could be it, for sure. I sigh quietly. Aging has it’s ups and downs, and the doctor’s appointment is no big thing, but it brings my anxiety about my pain and long-term wellness concerns more to the forefront of my consciousness, where I thoughtlessly push it back in the form of anxiety. “Saving it for later.” Unproductive. I take a minute with myself. I do a quick “body scan”, and an “emotional inventory”, letting myself be more fully present and in touch with the feelings and sensations in my here and now moment. More than the usual pain, but a lot of it is still “just sore muscles”. My headache is worse than usual – and my health insurer (through their bullshit evil middleman) has decided not to reauthorize one of the few things that really actually gives me some pain relief (not a prescription drug, but a physical therapy). It “won’t fix anything”, which is their justification for denying reauthorization, and that’s certainly true – but there isn’t actually a treatment that will “fix” my degenerative disk disease, my osteo-arthritis, or the headache (at least nothing has been proposed as likely to be a real solution, so far). I would think relief and improved quality of life would be a good choice, with that in mind…? I catch myself gritting my teeth with suppressed fury. The pain is bad today, and I’m annoyed because it didn’t have to be, and it may be getting worse before it gets better. Cheaper to addict patients to powerful painkillers and shame them for being junkies than to provide care that actually eases suffering. Fuckers. Another breath, and I let that go. I can care, even if my insurer doesn’t. My Traveling Partner cares. My doctors care. Those things matter. Doesn’t make it easier, but I’m at least not traveling alone.
I let the music play in my ears, and sip my coffee. Sometimes enough has to be enough – even when it doesn’t feel like “enough”. Sufficiency is often not whatI want it to be – it’s only what it is. Things could be legitimately worse – far worse. I’ll make the best of what is – because that’s the path I’ve chosen to walk. That’s the woman I most want to be. Capable. Fearlessly self-aware. Doing my best. It’s not nothing – and sometimes something is all I need to get by for awhile.
I smile to myself. I feel it still. I definitely do. It’s time to begin again anyway.
Evening Light 