Another morning, another walk down this familiar trail on my way to the start of a new day. Veterans Day is behind me, and Thanksgiving is ahead of me. My tinnitus is loud in my ears, and my arthritis pain is making damned certain I haven’t forgotten about chronic pain.
I head down the trail purposefully, one step after the next. The morning is pleasant, although the sun is not yet up, and it’s tough to see what sort of day it might be, weather-wise. Trying to forecast the weather based on arthritis pain is not sufficiently precise to be useful, I just know I hurt, a lot. I took my medication a little early over the pain. I hope it starts helping soon. I keep walking and distract myself from my pain by trying to see into the darkness enough to spot creatures along my way. Without a bright moon to light my way, my headlamp casts a small bobbing bright circle of light just ahead of me, or wherever I look.
I get to my halfway point and stop to write and meditate. It’s chilly enough that I wonder if I should have worn my gloves? My fingers are chilly, but it’s not actually cold this morning. It does get me thinking about the new backpack sitting in my home office – work swag sent by my new employer. It’s a nice one, and I hadn’t decided what to do with or about it. It might be a good one for my walks, which have gotten enough longer to make being more easily able to bring along things like inclement weather gear, without overdressing a win. It is a solution without a real problem to solve. I let it go; there is no reason to hurry.
Daybreak comes and I see a lone doe resting in the tall grass to the side of the trail, a few steps further on. No stars visible in the sky, so I begin anticipating a cloudy day. It’ll be a busy one at work, too, with a bunch of little things to catch up on, and one item at risk of being past due. I resolve to tackle that first, which puts my anxiety over anything work related to rest. Sometimes I just have to face the thing that is worrying me in s practical direct way, to ease my anxiety. I sneeze unexpectedly, and the doe leaps to her feet and runs off into the trees.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. I could do without my anxiety coming and going all the g’damned time. It’s unsettling, and tends to provoke feelings of imminent disaster, even in conditions that clearly lack any obvious potential for disaster to occur. Subtle things stoke the feeling of anxiety, mostly things that also happen to be well-outside my sphere of influence and most definitely beyond my ability to control. If I can’t change the causes of my anxiety, I don’t have to endure it awash in a feeling of doom and futility. I have more tools in my toolbox than that. One by one I select practical tools and helpful practices from my available options, and do those things I know help ease my anxiety. I meditate. I make use of specific breath practices that calm my nervous system. I reframe the feelings and look for alternate explanations for the physical experience of anxiety. (Am I feeling some measure of excitement or uncertainty about work after four days off? Am I sublimating my pain, causing to be expressed as anxiety? Am I experiencing “second dart suffering” over world events that I simply can’t change and don’t have a personal stake in, at all?) I make a point of letting things go which are outside my control. I take steps to put things into a broader perspective. I make time for gratitude.
My anxiety begins to ease. In its place, there’s just arthritis pain, my headache, and an awareness that I’ve got a bit of catching up to do at work. I’m okay. Ordinary day and “nothing to see here”, besides the slow coming of dawn, and a new day.
I clear my throat and reach for a tissue. I’m reminded that it’s flu season and make a note to schedule a flu shot. (Vaccines are settled science, people. Take care of yourself, and your community.)
I get to my feet impatiently with the next surge of anxiety, deciding to discuss with my therapist whether going back on an anxiolytic makes sense right now, or what else I can do to fight it. I sigh, feeling some relief with my exhalation. I’ll keep practicing; it does help. It’s a good time to begin again.
Evening Light 