Archives for posts with tag: do your best

I’m sipping my coffee on a routine (for most values of “routine”) Monday. I consider checking the news feed for whatever might be genuinely newsworthy, but decide against it; I don’t feel like wading through the bullshit sponsored content, partisan lies and ill-intentioned spin, and clickbait intended to grab my attention while some unknown other grabs my data. None of that shit rises to the level of “news”, and I definitely don’t need to be told (again) that billionaires are self-serving, or that “the government” is corrupt.

There’s a “heat warning” for this area, over the next day or two. This is a type of weather warning that did not exist when I was a kid. This kind of heat, in a lot of places around the country (and the world) did not exist when I was a kid. For me, personally, this defines “climate change” – the heat. Hotter summer days and more of them, in an area that once laughed about summer’s lack of warmth in “June-uary” and enjoyed fairly frequent drenching rain, even in summertime; there’s a lot less laughter about that, now, and a lot less summer rain.

I’m finding the outcomes of the terrible (and cruel) decision-making of the current US administration pretty disheartening, and thoroughly objectionable. From refusing to regulate AI or protect creator IP, from censorships to tariffs, this government is succeeding… in bringing about a new dark age. What to do about that, though? I sip my coffee and think about how to bring the light of the world to the dark future unfolding right now… I probably sound overly dramatic. Still, here we all are, eh? So…what to do? I have some thoughts…

  1. Read (and buy) actual bound books written exclusively by human authors. Talk about them.
  2. Consume content (while the internet is still available at all) created by human creators. Share that.
  3. Enjoy, support, and buy real (original) art created by living human artists – and buy it, where you can, directly from the artist(s).
  4. Learn practical skills and buy the tools required to do the things. Especially skills that don’t rely entirely on electricity, internet connectivity, and the existence of the power grid – people with useful skills always have a place within their community. Learn to make things.
  5. Be curious and seek information (ideally from vetted sources with reliably recognized expertise).
  6. If you have land (even enough for a small garden, or containers on a patio) grow food – particularly heirloom varieties unburdened by patents, or reproductive restrictions.
  7. Connect with other real human beings in IRL places as frequently as you can – and have real conversations about real world concerns and circumstances, and current events and find common ground together. Yes, even with strangers.
  8. Practice good self-care – for yourself – and practice kindness and compassion – for the rest of the world.
  9. Spend your limited financial resources in your local community on goods and services made by local people, wherever/whenever you are able (or can afford) to do so.
  10. Explicitly communicate your expectations, your “wishlist”, and your “demands” or dissatisfaction to your elected representatives – even if they are not of your party or don’t share your beliefs. Do it often.
  11. Lift each other up. (There are already more than too many people and agencies out there in the world tearing people down.)

Don’t let your voice be silenced. Consider your options, and do your best to make choices that will tend to create the world you wish to see. Don’t let your fears or insecurities, or your petty biases or hostility to this or that cause or belief system cause you to become a monster that you can’t face in the mirror each morning (or, you know, don’t become a monster at all). Choose, each day, to be the person you most want to be, regardless of how vile and terrible the world around you seems to be becoming. Who you are is about you, not them. Do you – for you.

I guess the tl;dr is… don’t just bitch about the shit going on around you, make choices that are different than that, and speak truth to power. (I say that like it’s easy – it is not; it requires constant effort and practice.)

I breathe, exhale, and relax. The landscapers are already mowing this morning, likely due to the extreme heat expected later. If ICE showed up right now and started hassling those landscapers… would I take any action? Would you? It’s a worthwhile thought exercise. You should probably know what your values really are, there. What would you want of bystanders if ICE came for you? (Because, you know, at some point they may – we’re living in dark times.)

Where do you really stand in this new dark age? Here’s a test of your values and ethics that you may find interesting… a simple thought exercise. If you were offered a job (just a salaried job, no guarantees for continued employment) for millions of dollars in annual salary, with the explicit understanding that the results of your work would be directly responsible for putting thousands of people in poverty, reducing the quality of life of many millions of others, and likely result in a notable number of actual deaths…but you would be lifted out of poverty (for as long as you held that job) and live in comfort with your family, debt free with the world’s goods at your fingertips – would you take that job? I don’t need to know your answer – but you do. Are you one of the good guys, or just another self-serving asshole prepared to destroy the world so you can have a [fucking yacht, or Lamborghini, or whatever your symbol of fantastic wealth happens to be]? It’s an important question, and whether you answer it in words or not, the consequences of your actions and choices will tell the world what your values really are.

Yeesh. So grim and grounded this morning. lol I sip my coffee grateful to have a moment of time to explore thought exercises, and questions of ethics and values. The whole picture of my own adult life has not been characterized by wise ethical decision-making, or consistently living my values well. It’s been a very human journey, and when I set off down this path I not only didn’t know where it was leading me, I didn’t have a clear understanding of who is this “woman I most want to be”, in the first place. I suffered from a lack of honest self-reflection, and a lack of useful questions to light my way. Sometimes I still find myself “wandering in the dark” – and there are certainly those among us who would greatly prefer that we all “wander in the dark” without finding a sense of ourselves or understanding what we value, and what we want to see in the world. It is sometimes possible to vanquish those monsters simply by shining a light on the path.

I finish my coffee hoping to succeed in being my best self today. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to do my best on another day. It’s time to begin again…

I’m sipping my coffee grateful to have it, and grateful to be done with the budgeting and payday stuff. I didn’t sleep as restfully as I’d have liked; my sleep was interrupted by my Traveling Partner (I think? Was I dreaming it?) who woke me up for some reason, in the wee hours. My sleep after that was less than ideal, restless and plagued by strange dreams of stress and failure. I woke up feeling cranky and anti-social – and I’m grateful that so far the office is empty of other voices. It’s just me, here, now. I’m good with that. I’m not really “fit for company” quite yet.

…So cranky…

I sip my coffee and find myself vexed by “what ifs” and “if onlys”, and this headache (which is reliably worse when I sleep poorly). I’m cross with myself for doing such a shitty job of adulting when I was younger, and I’m annoyed that I failed completely to “look after” my future self, from that youthful vantage point. I didn’t make much money back then… Hell, I don’t “make much money” now – just an amount that covers the expenses with some small amount left to protect against emergencies to come, and I’m grateful for it. It could be worse. I do okay these days, though I’ll never be “wealthy”. This morning, I find myself wishing and yearning and frustrated that I’m not in a very different place (for example, already retired and living contentedly in my “leisure years”, spending my hours painting, writing, reading, and gardening). These are the sorts of thoughts and feelings that often develop out of restless nights, fatigue, poor self-care, and the sour moods that result from those experiences. They aren’t any more “real” than the dreams that plagued my sleep – and certainly they have no power over me that I don’t give them myself. They are the sort of thing that can generate a fuck-ton of “second dart suffering”, or become the kernel of discontent that can later become a major meltdown or moment of drama “for no reason”. I breathe, exhale, and relax, and do my best to let that shit go. There’s no value in letting it fester.

Breathe. Exhale. Relax. Repeat as needed.

I sigh to myself. Things are not “perfect”, but they’re okay for most values of “okay”, and I’m fortunate – and grateful for my good fortune. I’m also pretty cranky, and I’ve got a headache. I work on keeping those experiences separated from each other, in my emotional experience of the moment; they are not in any way actually related to each other. Human primates are weird. When we’re cross or frustrated there’s this odd tendency to make it about “everything”, connecting dots that aren’t really connected, conflating one thing with another, and blowing shit way out of proportion over… nothing much at all. No doubt it served some evolutionary purpose intended to ensure our survival as a species, but it sure as shit isn’t very helpful now. lol

As with any choice, there are verbs involved.

I drag my consciousness back to this moment, right here. This moment in which I am 100% fine, thanks. It is an ordinary enough Friday morning, an ordinary enough summer day, the beginning of some new moment unrelated to the moments I’ve left behind – a new beginning. I’d honestly like to begin it with a damned nap – or some sort of notable relief for this fucking headache – but realistically, there’s this work day ahead of me, and I’ve got shit to do. “Nap time” is not now. I sip my coffee and remind myself that resources are always limited in this finite mortal life (for most people). It is the nature of resources to be limited. Time or money, or precious goods cultivated or dug from holes in the ground. Limits exist. So, we budget, and plan, and do our best to make all the pieces fit in our lives. It’s a very human experience.

The clock ticks off the minutes. I sigh again, frustrated by life’s limitations. Frustrated by feeling tired and cross with the world. Vexed by humanity.

…I let all that go, again

Finding a pleasant distraction in recent photographs can help lift my mood.

I flip through pictures from my camping trip to distract me from my irritability. I feel my face soften into a smile, and my shoulders relax. Some moments feel harder than they really are. We make so much of our own stress, and behave as if it is external to us. I know I can choose differently – it’s just not always easy to shift from intention to action. The effort matters quite a lot. The choices too. It’s necessary to accept that things can change – and that I can change them.

…I’m almost out of coffee…

Each time for the first time, each moment the only moment. ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

The clock ticks on. Limitations do exist. Choices and opportunities for change exist. The journey is the destination. In practical terms, I create my path as I walk it – the route is mine to choose. So… yeah. I’m cranky right now, but I can choose differently. Fuck I wish saying as much made it easier to do the verbs! There’s real effort involved, and I’d frankly rather just take a nap and begin again later… that’s not on today’s “menu”. lol It’s already time to begin again – and I’ve got choices to make, and verbs to do.

I’m sipping this excellent cup of coffee and enjoying one more morning off of work before resuming the day-to-day routine of work-errands-chores-cooking-sleeping, and hoping to keep up on everything before something unexpected goes awry. Real life. It’s nice to get an occasional break from the routine.

A new day, a familiar view.

I woke to a rainy morning. No surprise; it was the rain in the forecast that brought me home a day early. “Good fold”. My walk was slow and careful this morning – the hiking miles of the previous days have left me sore and aching, and my arthritis has flared up painfully (predictably enough). I still got out on the trail; it just doesn’t do to let good habits slide (for me) even for a couple days. Actions have consequences, and I try to choose wisely and work around my limitations.

…My results vary, of course…

Practices are about repetition – sometimes even things that I feel I’ve “mastered” need reinforcement, and frankly, when I think about those tasks I feel I’ve acquired some mastery over, I often find there’s more to learn. Practices are also about effort and will and consistency, and overcoming my own reluctance to change or inner resistance to coming face-to-face with things that really just don’t work, however much I may favor them. Humans being human, we tend to cling to what we think is right or true or useful, without examing our results too closely. It’s an unfortunate characteristic of human cognition; we like to take shortcuts. Sometimes I fail myself or fall short of my expectations. Human. When I do, I begin again.

“We become what we practice” is so very true it almost goes without saying, except that by not acknowledging that truth, I create the risk of stepping into some trap that is built on practices that are less than ideal. Doesn’t matter what I’m practicing; the more I practice that thing, the more it becomes characteristic of who I am. True for you, too. Unavoidably true. What are you practicing? Does it lead you to becoming the person you most want to be? If it doesn’t, then why are you practicing that?

Sometimes it helps to look beyond the obvious.

I sip my coffee and reflect on self-reflection, and the value of incremental change over time, for some little while. There is no one walking this earth who is utterly perfect without potential for change or growth. The journey is the destination, and if it were “easy” a lot of people would still manage to fail, somehow. Practicing the practices that make any one of us the person we most want to be still requires work, real work, with effort. This is more effective when we practice in a willful, self-aware way. This further requires self-reflection – an examination of our successes and failures, independent of the opinions of other people, reliant on our understanding of ourself and our goals. Each experience thus examined and understood, and explored for potential to learn and grow becomes another step on a path. The map is not the world. The plan is not the experience. We each have to walk our own mile – wherever that takes us. It’s easier to make a journey – any journey – with eyes open, and some light on the path.

Like it or not, you’ve got to walk your own path – and get somewhere.

When you stumble – begin again. Examine your failure, learn from that, do a little better than you did yesterday. Over time, you will have made a journey, and gotten yourself somewhere. Where does your path lead? This is your experience. Your life. Choose wisely. Keep practicing.

I’m sipping my coffee and beginning a new day. I got a good night’s rest, which I definitely needed, and I woke in a better mood than I was in yesterday. I’m grateful for the opportunity to reset and begin anew. The sunrise as I drove in was lovely, and the song in my head was “so loud” I finally had to put it on and just listen to it. The morning feels “infused with joy”, which is a much nicer start to the day than what yesterday had offered.

Perspective matters.

I stretch and sigh, breathe, exhale, and relax. A new day, eh? I wonder what I will do with it? Will I deliver on my commitment to myself to do just a little better at being the woman I most want to be than I did yesterday? Seems a worthy goal.

…It’s easier to make excuses than it is to practice being the person I most want to be…

The coffee is good this morning. I feel pretty well-rested and comfortable in my skin. I have a vague sense that there’s something I am supposed to do, or some errand I agreed to run, later today – but I can’t recall what it was, and I’m not certain it isn’t just some lingering artifact of various conversations about “we could do this or we could do that”. I remind myself to check with my Traveling Partner about whether he needs me to go somewhere or do something for him later today, then let the nagging sensation go in favor of focusing on this moment, now.

…He’s not even 37 miles away, but it may as well be an infinite distance viewed through the lens of how much I miss my Traveling Partner when I’m in the office. lol I’m looking forward to working from home tomorrow, leading into the weekend. I’ve got some camping preparations to make, gear to pack – Sunday I’ll head into the trees for a couple days of downtime along the Clackamas River. I’m looking forward to it. I know I’ll miss my partner even more, but I also know he’ll only ever be a short drive away, and within reach via text message, which is comforting. This downtime is important self-care, and I’m a better person generally when I get the solitary time I need. It’s a new spot for me, too – very exciting. Lots of new trails to wander, exploring the sights and my thoughts as I walk.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. I enjoy planning my upcoming camping trips, but it hardly counts as “being in the moment”. lol I pull myself back to now, because it’s already time to begin again.

Seems to be very effective so far… probably doesn’t hurt that the path is mine, and that I choose it myself.

This morning I woke gently, and having planned to work from home today, I dressed without rushing at all, expecting to go for my walk and return to my desk at home afterward. My Traveling Partner was already up – which is not completely unusual, but it’s rare enough that I inquired about whether he’d rather I worked in the office today, so he could maybe get some additional rest a little later.

…The commute to the office was ordinary in every way. Not much traffic. Beautiful sunrise. The morning skittered sideways unexpectedly as soon as the car was parked. Dumb stuff; I dropped my keys and they managed to fall under the car, forcing me to get down on the ground to retrieve them (immediately regretting my choice of parking spot for reasons I won’t go into). I broke a nail getting back up. I dropped my handbag as I entered the elevator, resulting in dumping about half the contents on the floor. From there, it turned out my password had expired in the door-lock app for the office door, requiring a password reset and considerable fumbling with my device. I finally get to my desk, but I can’t log into my tools; updates, password resets, tool and system access changes… it seemed like everything that could slow me down was queued up to do so this morning. Hell, the router in the office had gotten knocked to the floor sometime over the weekend, and when it was put back, apparently, it wasn’t checked to ensure it was actually still on! So, on top of all that other bullshit, I also had to troubleshoot the office connectivity, to get my day started. Fuuuuuck. An added irritant developed that was wholly unimportant, just annoying; the door stop wasn’t stopping the door. I’d prop it open, it would slide closed once my back was turned. This repeated several times. I finally got annoyed enough to kick the door, which caused me more pain (some) than any damage done to the door (none). Monday morning score? Circumstances 10+, this human right here? 0. LOL Circumstances were definitely winning.

It was the childish kick to the door that reminded me of set and setting, and choices – my mindset, specifically, and where I was, which is to say in the office, preparing for the work day and the choice I clearly have regarding whether to allow these circumstances to determine the quality of my experience. I sighed out loud, swore softly, and let all that bullshit go. I mean, eventually. Finally. Once I had some perspective on how childishly I was reacting to a handful of common enough small inconveniences that had managed to pile on for some Monday “fun” (for some values of “fun”, and depending on your point of view). Seriously – we do become what we practice. Practice giving in to bad temper and frustration, practice having needless unproductive tantrums, we eventually embody that lack of self-control and lost resilience in future moments of inconvenience, reliably. It’s not necessary – we can choose differently, practice something else, and be that, instead.

…What do I personally most want to be in the face of frustration and annoyance? Calm. Chill. Adaptable. Relatively pleasant in spite of circumstances. Capable. Clearly this requires practice – and I need more of that. LOL

I grin to myself, sipping my coffee, having found my way back to some sense of perspective. I’ve coped with the inconveniences. I’ve addressed the circumstances. The day is “back on track” to be an utterly routine workday in all forseeable regards. My emotions are sorted out. I’m ready for the day – aside from being a little embarassed to be such a fucking child sometimes, and more than a little grateful to have had the office alone for that. I definitely prefer to be alone if I’m going to be a childish fuckwit about some perfectly ordinary inconvenience(s). lol I breathe, exhale, and relax. I let the inconveniences of the morning become the past, and I move on. I’ve got too much to do to waste time ruminating over how it is I’m not perfect or getting mired in “poor me” bullshit. I shrug it off, and get on with other things.

It’s a lovely morning. The sunrise was pretty, in soft pastels, and subtle hues of pink, peach, and lavender. The coffee is good this morning, which is always a nice detail (if you like coffee). The chaos of the morning’s beginning isn’t enough to “cancel” the beauty of a sunrise. I’m grateful to have seen it. I notice the ticking clock, and realize it is already time to begin again…